


Emotional Support Gay Club

by xsmallathenabug



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Issues, Asexual Character, Asexual Jisung, Dealing With Loss, Demisexual Character, Demisexual Minho, I mention some members of nct, Jeongin is in crisis, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sexuality Crisis, and all the swearing lol, and depression as well, but I don’t intend on making them a significant part of the story, but it’s way lighter than I make it sound here, no sex whatsoever but the teens up is there for reasons like, none of them are straight tho, some things I mention when explaining sexualities, the mental health things, there’s mention of panic attacks a few times, this is a GAYS ONLY EVENT, this is supposed to be soft and fluffy mostly, working around with nine is already confusing enough
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-02-26 20:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18724492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xsmallathenabug/pseuds/xsmallathenabug
Summary: Jisung ends up involved in helping out a teenager facing a sexuality crisis after Hyunjin drags him to his lgbtq+ support group at his college, but Jisung encounters some difficulties with his so called guidance and ends up having to partner with someone else to help him out.It’s a messy road in which he ends up needing guidance from his partner as well when his anxiety starts to get too much for him to handle alone again.//“So I think it would be fair to you to announce that Hyunjin is most likely going to drag you to his college this week for his emotional support gay club or whatever.”“Why? Is there another pupil in need of my guidance?” Jisung asked.Felix rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t call your fifteen minutes talk with Jaemin guidance Jisung. As much as that would make you happy, you’re not Yoda.”“I gotta spread my space ace agenda here Felix.” He joked. “I’m the asexual Yoda of Hyunjin’s college and I take the title with pride.”





	1. Asexual Yoda

**Author's Note:**

> **Few FYIs before you read:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Asexual (ace): someone who doesn’t feel _sexual_ attraction.
> 
> Aromantic (aro): someone who doesn’t feel _romantic_ attraction.
> 
> *Often confused as the same thing. Not automatically linked, a person can be both or just one of those.
> 
> Demisexual (demi): someone who feels sexual attraction after forming an emotional connection with someone.
> 
> Gray-A (gray-ace): someone who feels sexual attraction very rarely, or under specific circumstances or in such a low intensity that it’s ignorable.
> 
> *Asexual can be an umbrella term for all as all identities fits inside the ace spectrum.
> 
> The characters already have the basic information about this and also about romantic attractions so I don’t intend to cover that much in the story. I’ll be focusing on more specific aspects of it, if you have any questions or doubts hit me up in the comments.
> 
> I’m asexual myself and panromantic and as we don’t have enough representation I love to contribute to it where I can, so here we are. I’ll be speaking from my personal experience as an ace person and what I know about demisexuality so don’t take it all as the only way to be ace/demi because it varies a lot from person to person.
> 
> Also they are international students in Canada because I want them to be and that’s it, enjoy!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not proofread I’m sorry....

Felix was late. Which wasn’t exactly a surprise.

Jisung had been standing outside of YVR, the Vancouver international airport, for twenty minutes now and there was no sign of his friend. 

His two, rather big, bags were carefully placed aside and his backpack was now on top of one of those after he couldn’t stand the weight of it on his shoulders any longer.

He had endured a two hour flight from Incheon to Beijing, had to stay at the airport for four long and excruciating hours – wasn’t that bad but Jisung is a dramatic person so no one but him will ever know the truth – and then faced a ten and a half hours long flight to get to Vancouver.

That one really was just long and excruciating, no drama added this time.

He was truly exhausted. He had gotten into the first flight pretty early, in his standards, had time to sleep on the second plane, but couldn’t manage to do so for long enough, and gotten to Vancouver when it was almost eleven in the morning in Canada.

His inner clock was messed up. The second flight was considered a _night flight_ but was it really when he got inside the plane in Beijing at three o’clock?

At this point he didn’t know what time was anymore and he was pissed to know he was going to have a terrible case of jet leg.

It always happened, he already knew he was sleeping this whole day away and messing up his sleeping schedule.

The fact his friend was late to pick him up wasn’t helping with his humor.

It was a good thing he changed the chip on his phone inside the plane, he patted himself on the back for that – metaphorically, of course, he didn’t want people around thinking he was weird.

But even if that was true, Felix still hadn’t replied to his _I’m finally here bitch!!_ text.

He was almost calling his friend once he finally saw Chan’s car approaching him. Felix lowering the passenger window and waving enthusiastically to Jisung.

“Hey mate! Sorry we’re late, we had to drop Woojin at downtown last minute.”

Jisung glared at his friends, but he knew he wasn’t threatening. “I’ve been here for almost half an hour now. I was close to freezing to death!”

Felix left the car, helping Jisung to put his bags on the trunk. “It isn’t even that cold today and you were standing under the sun Sung, I saw it.”

Choosing to ignore that, as he knew was true, Jisung just changed his complaint to a different one. “I’m _exhausted_ Lix! I was almost sleeping standing while waiting for you.”

His friend just patted his back, closing the trunk. “Sure you were Jisung. Let’s get you home then.”

He greeted Chan once he was inside and wasted no time to whine of how tired he was to his other friend now.

Chan being there to pick him up shouldn’t be a surprise, as Felix doesn’t own a car, but once the younger offered to pick him up at the airport Jisung was genuinely just thinking he was going to show up just to ride the train home along with Jisung.

This was much better though, as it would be way faster than the train.

The fact Jisung had agreed on letting Felix pick him up on the first place was only because he was still unaware of where exactly “home” was now.

The thing is: Jisung is a international student from Korea, who had been studying in Canada for a year already.

He always had this dream of studying abroad and although he was never sure where exactly, he just wanted to get out of his hometown and explore the world.

That made him end up in Vancouver, a place he’ll admit he never thought of going, but fell in love once he got there. 

Long story short, the past year he lived in a homestay, which basically is just living with a random family who rents out a room on their house for a student.

There he ended up meeting Felix, another international student but from Australia, who occupied the other available room at the house.

They arrived there with just a few days apart and became really close as both of them studied at the same university, were both new there and lived at the same place.

As time passed Felix also became close friends with Hyunjin, another international student that Jisung knew.

None of them were doing the same curse, Hyunjin didn’t even study at their university, but all became so close they decided to rent a place together.

But they’re college students, who think they have their entire life to plan things and who procrastinate more often than not, which led them to not searching for a place until they realized vacation was coming and all of them would be going back to their hometowns.

In fact Hyunjin went together with Jisung back to Korea as the managed to book the same flight. 

That slip up of them led to Felix having to go back earlier and sleep on Chan’s couch while also dragging the older to his apartment search. 

It was just their luck that Chan’s roommate and best friend Woojin was an angel sent from above who joined their search and ended up finding them a nice place with three rooms they could afford together.

The three of them would forever be in debt to the older, but they knew they could just pay back in hugs and chicken.

So, to put it succinctly, Jisung just needed Felix to show him where exactly was their new place.

“I still think it’s stupid of you to not give me the address, but now that I’m here can you finally tell me where this place is? I find unfair how I know nothing of the place I’m supposed to call my home now.” Jisung said, after Chan told him to cut the dramatics about how tired his flight had been.

“I sent you the pics of the place even before we agreed on renting it!” Felix complained. 

“Yeah but no location, I’m beginning to think this was a scam and now you’re gonna make me sleep on Chan’s floor along with Hyunjin while you take the couch.”

He could see Felix rolling his eyes from the reflection on the front window. “Hyunjin has been here for two weeks already as his classes started already, don’t you think he would’ve told you if that was the case?”

Jisung shook his shoulders. “Don’t know man, you can never trust someone you met online.”

This was a recurring joke between him and Hyunjin, as both of them met in a group online that Jisung joined of _Koreans in Vancouver_ as he was absolutely freaking out before moving. 

Hyunjin was the only one who replied his anxious questions about literally everything he could think of. 

Even being there for just a month before Jisung arrived, Hyunjin was very helpful with the basics of public transportation and cellphone service for instance, that Jisung wanted to know so bad.

They met once Jisung got to the city and became close friends instantly, but it was still fun for them to joke around with stupid shit like that.

“You and Jinnie seriously need to cut down the jokes about this. We’re all living together now, I don’t know how much of this I can take.” Felix replied.

Chan chuckled. “I can guarantee you Jisungie that no one is sleeping on my couch or my floor. And if you were to do that from now on I only allow such a thing if you pay rent too, for damage control issues.”

“I set a paper towel on fire _one time_ and you and Woojin can’t seem to forget it.” Felix grumbled.

“You did what now?” Jisung screamed, placing himself on the middle seat to show his friend his wide, worried eyes. “Chan you can’t let me live with him now, I’m gonna die.”

And before Felix and Jisung could start a overdramatic discussion on the matter, Chan was quick to say: “Your stove is electric Jisung, Felix is not setting anything on fire at your place.”

“Oh thank god!” He exclaimed, ignoring Felix’s protests about how it was only the tip of a paper towel that caught on fire and that he extinguished it super fast and Chan was just being an asshole over it.

That made the whole conversation about their place drop, as Jisung started to create a list of things Felix couldn’t own. Starting with candles and ending with a flame canon... maybe he got a bit carried away.

It was a miracle Chan didn’t just stop his car and made them get out.

*********

“Why do I get the smaller room?”

“Because you weren’t here to choose once we got the place.” 

Jisung was about to start whining, once again, but Chan was faster this time.

“Don’t even start Jisung. You know he is right. Felix got the best room because he was here to search for the place and Hyunjin the other best one because he arrived earlier than you.”

And before Jisung could fire back, Chan kept going. “And I know it wasn’t your fault that your family booked your tickets so late because they wanted you there for your grandma’s birthday but life isn’t fair and you gotta deal with it.”

He closed his mouth, very much aware he couldn’t win any type of discussion against Chan.

“Now if you excuse me I have to go. They’re making me cover someone else’s shift today at the restaurant and as much as I’d like my Sunday not ruined, I need the money.”

And with that and a quick goodbye, Chan was gone.

“It’s still not fair.” Jisung grumbled, throwing his bags inside the room and sitting on the single bed. “You even got a double bed!”

“Stop pouting Sung, Hyunjin got a single bed too.” Felix screamed from the living room.

He dropped it, for now, and got to his unpacking.

The place was nice, kinda cramped and very tiny, but still nice.

The kitchen was ridiculously small and it still confused Jisung that it was the first place you got to when you entered the apartment, as the front door was almost quite literally by the refrigerator.

There was a little – with emphasis on little –corridor for their shoes and coats by the entrance, but two steps later you were in the kitchen.

The living room was small but fitted a decent sized couch and there was a nice big tv in front. There was a round dining table placed right next to the kitchen counter, in the middle of the space between the kitchen and the living room and right across it a long table where two computers could fit easily.

By the left there was the biggest room, which was a suite... which was Felix’s room. That bastard even got a bathroom all to himself. 

By the right there was a small corridor that led to the other two rooms and had the bathroom placed in the middle.

The difference between the room sizes wasn’t big, but Hyunjin‘s had a slightly bigger closet and a better view, what definitely made Jisung sulky.

He could deal with this tho. He needed to actually, but just the fact he would be able to use his Bluetooth speaker to blast his music at any given time – until his friends told him to shut it off at least – without having to worry about disturbing a family that wasn’t his, was very, _very_ nice.

Within two hours his room was already the classic Jisung organized mess. With posters on the walls, his own pillow on the bed, snacks from home on the table and his laptop powering up so he could watch something on Netflix later in his bed.

He was about to go for a shower when Felix got inside his room and sat on the chair, already picking one the snacks for himself – Jisung knew this was going to happen, he had more hidden in his backpack inside the closet.

“So I think it would be fair to you to announce that Hyunjin is most likely going to drag you to his college this week for his emotional support gay club or whatever.”

Hyunjin was very much out of the closet for anyone who wanted to know and was also very much of an activist for everything he believed in, what led him to organize a lgbtqia+ support group in his college.

It was very nice of him and he helped out a lot of people, meeting tons of others in the process as well. In fact that’s how all of them met Chan, who coincidentally was also from Australia, what made Felix freak out once he discovered.

“Why? Is there another pupil in need of my guidance?” Jisung asked.

Felix rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t call your fifteen minutes talk with Jaemin, about how you figured out you were panromantic, guidance Jisung. As much as that would make you happy, you’re not Yoda.”

It was more like an hour long conversation and several texts exchanged afterwards, but he knew Felix was aware of that.

“I gotta spread my space ace agenda here Felix.” He joked. “I’m the asexual Yoda of Hyunjin’s college and I take the title with pride.”

Jisung was the only asexual Hyunjin knew, at least the only one that was out to him. And the year before once his classmate Jaemin went into crisis mode for not knowing exactly what his romantic attraction was, Hyunjin asked Jisung for his help and Jisung ended up accepting and trying to help out as best as he could.

It was a new experience but Jisung actually loved that he got to help out someone. He knew how stressful that could be.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, mate.” Felix replied, stuffing the chips into his mouth. “But yeah apparently there’s this new kid there who is so in crisis he already went to search for someone on Hyunjin’s gay club.”

“Do you know what about? He’s ace too?” 

The other gave him the shoulders. “Not sure. Jinnie was just telling me you would be the best one to help him out. I wish I could help someone too, but Hyunjin is their gay Jesus, so he doesn’t need me.”

“You could be the gay... whatever other religious person for them.” Jisung said, earning a chuckle from his friend.

“Maybe...” He got up, leaving the bag of chips behind, much to Jisung’s content. “Just wanted to give you a heads up, you have until six to nap before he arrives home and inevitably barges into your room to talk about it.”

“Gotta use my time wisely then.” Jisung replied, watching his friend leave his room.

Before he went to shower and take a nap until Hyunjin got here, Jisung happily reached for the bag of chips on the table, only to find it empty already. 

“Asshole.” He screamed, hearing Felix’s loud laugh coming from somewhere in their apartment.

*********

“For someone who doesn’t go here you sure as hell come to visit way too often.” Was how Woojin greeted him once Jisung approached his friend in the cafe at the older’s college.

“I haven’t seen you in months and that’s how you greet me.” He took a sit across from him, already stealing a fry from Woojin’s plate. “I’m wounded hyung.”

His friend glared at him for stealing his food, but placed the place in the middle of the table so both of them could eat it. 

“I talked to you enough while you were gone to not miss you Sung. You literally texted me every week with random pictures of things you saw around, as if I haven’t been born in Korea myself.” Woojin commented.

“But you haven’t been there for almost five years now hyung, I just wanted to refresh your memory.” 

He actually did that to everyone, even Hyunjin who he knew was in Korea at the time as well. Jisung just needed to keep himself busy and try to keep his mind at ease and taking pictures was always something he liked so that’s what he did.

“Consider it more than refreshed.” The other said with a smile. “But it was nice to see how somethings changed while I am away.”

Woojin took a bite of his chicken sandwich making Jisung which he hadn’t eaten on McDonald’s before going there. That sandwich was his favorite thing at that cafe, but he had cupons for McDonald’s so...

“What brings you here though?” The older asked, taking Jisung’s thoughts away from food. “Don’t you have classes today at your own college?”

“No, my first class is only on Wednesday afternoon for some reason.” He explained. “And Hyunjin asked me to come today to introduce me to this guy who’s having a crisis about his sexuality.”

“Oh I see... Jinnie is really dedicated to his group, I find that admirable.”

The younger nodded. “It really is. Classes barely started and he is already filled with appointments here and there to talk to people about anything they need.”

“I just hope he doesn’t overwork himself like he did last year.” 

“Me too, hyung.”

And before their conversation could go on for longer, Chan and Hyunjin appeared, the former taking a sit next to Woojin and immediately stealing a fry.

“I’m going to start charging for every fry you freeloaders rob from me.” Woojin complained.

Chan just laughed loudly and he grabbed another one.

“I did nothing.” Hyunjin said, standing by the side of the table. “You ready to go Sung? I told the boy we’d meet at the usual room on the third floor.”

“My time has come gentlemen, see you around.” He told his friends, stealing one last fry from Woojin and ignoring his complain as he walked away.

“So do you want me to have a session with the kid like I did with Jaemin or something else?” He asked Hyunjin as they stopped by the elevator, waiting for it to get there. “For someone who was so eager to convince me to come here today, you didn’t exactly shared enough information about the whole thing.”

“I couldn’t share much yesterday because I was still not sure myself.” His friend replied, getting inside the elevator and pressing the button for the third floor. “He told me he is supposed to meet with his friend before his afternoon class today, so I’m still not sure how long he has.”

“If you made me come all the way here just to greet this kid then go back home I’m going to murder you in your sleep.” Jisung threatened the other.

“You literally just had to take the skytrain to get here Sung, it’s not that hard.” His friend replied, walking out of the elevator. “Plus you had nothing to do today and if I didn’t get you out of the apartment you’d continue to fuck over your sleeping schedule due to jet lag.”

The last part was very much true, but he wasn’t going to agree with Hyunjin on that.

“But I have to take _two_ lines to get here, and it takes like forty minutes just in the first train!” He complained.

“You do that cause you want to. You can very well get off at Main Street, I still don’t get why you switch lines.” Hyunjin replied, using his student ID to unlock the room the college allowed him to have most of his group meetings at, as it was rarely used anyways.

“It’s so much easier to get off at VCC-Clark though, because I usually catch the bus that leaves me right in front of your stupid college.” 

“I can’t believe you actually catch a bus when it’s literally a ten minutes walk from the station”

“You know I’m too lazy for my own good Hyunjin, plus if the bus is there why not just take it?”

“That bus takes so long to arrive though, I don’t understand how you–“

Before he could finish his phrase, they heard a soft knock on the door, followed by the sweetest looking boy face popping in.

“H-hey Hyunjin, sorry for interrupting.”

Hyunjin beamed widely and softly at the kid. “No worries Jeongin, we were just waiting for you.”

Jisung then took this as his chance to introduce himself. “Nice to meet you Jeongin. I’m Jisung.”

Jeongin smiled, making Jisung want to coo at him. “Nice meeting you too. Hyunjin told me that you would be able to help me out.”

“I’m still on the dark of what about as he didn’t explain himself very well.” He said, sending a friendly glare at the other. “But I’m more than willing to help you.”

“I’ll give you guys privacy, I need to have lunch now anyways.” Hyunjin told them, already walking to the door. “You can just close the door once you’re done, it locks automatically, but you won’t be able to get in with Jeongin’s ID so please only leave if you don’t need the room any longer.”

And with that he was gone, leaving Jisung to handle this alone.

He took a deep breath, telling himself to not overthink this. He could do it, he did it before, no big deal.

“We better sit then.” He said, taking a seat on the nearest table.

Jeongin sat across from him, nervously playing with his fingers. “As Hyunjin didn’t really explain it then I guess I have to.”

Jisung wasn’t sure if it was better to keep it all private for the boy to say it all on his own or if the younger would’ve liked Hyunjin to have explained it all already so he wouldn’t have to repeat himself.

Either was the case, it was too late now. 

Jisung heart still hurt a little though once Jeongin started to explain it, his voice sounding very confused and unsure.

“I... I think I might be asexual. I came across the term online and it felt like something I could relate to. I read all about the definition and everything but I don’t know... there’s a part of me who keeps telling me I’m just jumping to conclusions too fast while I’m still too young. I’m only eighteen after all and I feel like that’s still quite young so...”

He took a breath, finally lifting his eyes up and facing Jisung. “I talked to Hyunjin about it and he explained further the meaning of it and all but I told him I would like to speak to someone who was actually asexual to just understand everything better you know.”

Jisung nodded, understanding every word the younger said, having been on that place himself not that long ago.

“I feel you. Around a year ago I was in the same place you are today. So one thing I can tell you for sure is that there’s no age that is too young for you to know. Of course before starting puberty is not yet the right time to know for a fact, but after that I think it’s a great time to try and understand what’s going on, to give space to explore your sexuality you know.”

The younger nodded, his eyes still wide and confused as he faced Jisung. “I never dated though... so how can I know for sure if I never dated anyone....”

That was something that stayed in Jisung’s mind for a while once he realized he was asexual. He had people tell him he couldn’t know until he dated because he would for sure change his mind and at some point he almost forced himself into a relationship just to finally figure it out once and for all. 

“You can. Trust me on that.” He replied. “I questioned myself the same way and almost did something stupid by letting that thought take over my mind.... the thing is no straight person needs to try having something with someone with the same gender identity as them to know they’re not gay. They just know. It’s the same with asexuality, you don’t need to date to know and most definitely don’t need to try having sex to know you are asexual.”

Jeongin just kept looking at him as if he had all the answers in the world. 

This made Jisung feel the pressure of everything. What if he said something wrong? What if he couldn’t help the boy and just made everything worse? He wasn’t qualified for this after all. He was just a random guy who knew a thing or two about the ace spectrum because he was asexual himself and researched about it for a long while trying to find his place in there.

He wasn’t going to let the boy down though and for sure wouldn’t allow him to go through this crisis alone. He knew how confusing it was, how it could take a tool on your mind if you allowed yourself to overthink everything at all times.

Wasn’t a great feeling, questioning yourself and who you are can be very hard.

They talked for a bit more, Jisung just telling the younger how he realized he was ace and how he felt about the whole thing.

He explained how he automatically connected himself to it and without a doubt in his being he knew that was him. How he was quick to identify with the word and happy to know he wasn’t alone in this, wasn’t broken how he doubted he was before and wasn’t weird for feeling this way.

But then he also told Jeongin about all the crisis that came later. The questioning and doubts he faced once people around him started to invalidate him, invalidate asexuality as a whole. How that was very hard to face and how his journey to figure out his romantic attraction was even worse.

He tried to keep it more positive sounding because he didn’t want to discourage the boy, but he also wanted him to know that it was okay to question, it was normal to feel like he was feeling and all his fears and concerns were valid.

It’s a hard thing to deal with specially when the ace spectrum is very wide so the experiences people have within the community vary a lot.

A lot of questions and doubts he can’t just answer with a simple yes or no. Nothing is black and white, in the end it really is just a gray area.

They didn’t expand much after that, Jeongin having to go to meet his friend before his class and all. Jisung was quick to exchange numbers with him and offer to be there for him anytime he needed.

“Any time you need me just send me a text and I’ll return to you as soon as possible. You don’t have to worry about bothering me, I’m happy to help.”

Jeongin smiled widely, his expression a little bit more at ease now than it was before. “Thanks Jisung! For everything.”

With a promise to meet another day, they went their separate ways.

Jisung could do this. In the worse case scenario he would be there just to listen to Jeongin’s rants and worries when he needed to vent. If he couldn’t help him in the end, he would know he at least tried his best and didn’t left the boy alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for Minho not even showing up yet,,,, he’ll be there in the next chapter I promise!
> 
> I am possibly going to include changlix later on but I’m not sure if I should add more side relationships apart from that... pls let me know if you guys would like more and who would that be.
> 
> I don’t know how long this will be yet, still figuring out where I want this story to go to be honest. But I have a few plot points in my mind and a few things written down already. Any suggestion is welcome tho.
> 
> Hopefully I’ll update at least once a week! I hope you liked it!!


	2. H bomb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so for me to not go “he said in korean” all the time when they end up switching languages, I’ll put the conversation in italics when they do so. won’t happen much specially considering jisung lives with felix not only hyunjin therefore they only speak in english at home to make sure they all understand.... also a lot of curse words will be in italics because jisung will be cursing in korean left and right okay I do that all the time, specially when I’m alone. if the people of my homestay can hear me they for sure learned how to curse in portuguese by now.....
> 
> this probably doesn’t matter but I find interesting to add this for some reason and it’s something I do so yeah.
> 
> jisung’s thoughts would also vary from language to language but it would be so much work to point that out and it always happens with me without me noticing so just know he’s doing it lol
> 
> my notes are too long I apologize for that!!

Two weeks. It had been two weeks and five days to be exact since Jisung last met with Jeongin.

He felt like the younger was just trying his best to avoid meeting him again, even if he desperately wanted to do just that.

Jeongin would still text him, a lot actually.

They had whole conversations about how exactly Jisung felt when he was younger, how exactly all of that made him realize he was asexual later on.

A lot of it consisted of just the older of the two ranting about his life to see if that would help and calm Jeongin down a bit.

Jisung started with telling all about how he always thought the idea of people picking around on one another in middle school and joking about kissing was really just that: a joke.

How it still didn’t make sense to him how one of his friends at that time came to him giggling about pecking this random girl’s lips when they were fourteen. Jisung still vividly remembered being completely disgusted with the idea and unable to shake the thought that such a thing shouldn’t be happening as they were too young for it.

Jisung also ranted about how he never quite grasped the idea of having crushes when he was younger and would pick random people to say he crushed on because that’s what he thought everyone else was doing.

He told Jeongin all about how he once picked this random girl in middle school to have a crush on just because she had very thick eyebrows and it was so outstanding to him that she was the only one that came to his mind once his friends asked him if he had a crush on someone.

How this just kept going and he just choose this other girl in the beginning of high school to crush at because she reminded him of one famous girl that people thought was attractive, so therefore maybe she’d be the right choice to crush on.

He explained how he never considered what he was doing out of ordinary and for a long time he really thought that’s just how crushes worked.

Jeongin seemed to get that, to agree with it and feel the same way about this, which made Jisung feel like he was probably doing something right.

They discussed that matter, the younger sometimes sharing little pieces of his own life with Jisung about how he didn’t understood any of that.

Telling Jisung about the time his best friend dragged him to a party in high school and ended up making out with some random person and how that didn’t seem something that Jeongin would ever consider a possibility.

They bonded over several things through their never ending texts. Jisung sometimes just setting himself into rant mode as he cursed society for being so sex focused.

Their last thread of texts basically consisted with both of them just complaining about how many unnecessary sex scenes people include in a movie for two hours.

Jisung just had a lot to complain about okay, this was something that really made him want to explode every time it happened.

With all of that he began to think this was working, that maybe he was actually going to help the boy out and gain an ace friend to complain about things with.

But then Friday came to make him feel unable to help again and a tiny bit uncomfortable as well.

He was sitting across Jeongin. In the same room as before, casually eating some Doritos he grabbed at the vending machine before going up there, when the young dropped the question.

They had just been discussing about how they didn’t consider checking people out a thing they’d ever really do and Jisung was, as usual, ranting about personal experiences.

Like how he would never know which random girl, that apparently had just walked by, his friends would be talking about because he simply didn’t noticed her and how that made his friends think he was gay for a long while, when Jeongin interrupted him out of nowhere.

“What about getting turned on?”

The older automatically froze, hand midway to his mouth with a at least three tortilla chips he was about to shove inside his mouth all at once.

“Uh.... what about it?” He asked, putting the chips inside the bag instead and sitting up straight in the chair.

Jeongin was no longer making eye contact with him and was back to nervously playing with his fingers on top of the table.

“Should it even happen? Shouldn’t it.... I don’t know.... not be a thing if you don’t feel sexual attraction?”

This was one of the things Jisung never really wanted to touch on, anything sexual related just made him uncomfortable. But he felt it would be unfair to just tell the boy he couldn’t handle that. 

He was a grown up, he could talk about it. He had to help Jeongin on that.

“A person’s libido has actually nothing to do with their sexual attraction. Someone can have a high or low libido independently of how they identify with.” He explained.

Even if the boy wasn’t looking at him, Jisung could notice he was frowning. “So if my libido is high that just means I get turned on for like, no reason?”

“Basically, yes.” He replied, trying to find the words he wanted to say. “I... I sometimes get turned on by movies or stories. It usually just annoys the fuck out of me and makes me mad because I don’t want it.”

“What if.... what if I don’t mind it though?” The younger’s voice was almost a whisper now. “What if I don’t dislike it?”

That made Jisung feel unqualified to reply as he truly ever only got absurdly annoyed at his own body for reacting in a way he didn’t want it to. 

He wasn’t sure where on the scale he sat, but he knew his libido was no way near being low and that drove him up the walls with annoyance sometimes.

“Some people don’t mind it.” He replied, trying to search in his mind all he read about those who were sex favored or indifferent. 

Being a sex repulsed person wasn’t exactly helpful in this case, as he wasn’t sure what exactly to say.

But as soon as he thought that it hit him that none of those actually mattered. Whatever the person identified with had little to do with how they felt concerning feeling that way.

“A lot of asexuals do things because it brings them pleasure or it helps them to relax. I think in their case it would make sense if they didn’t mind getting turned on. Some can enjoy the feeling just fine and still be asexual.”

Jeongin then sighed. “I’ve read how some aces masturbate and even have sex and it’s okay and it has nothing to do with the fact they still are asexual but I.... whenever I feel that way and stuff I just feel like maybe I’m not really part of it. Cause sometimes I.... sometimes I want that to happen. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer after all.”

“Even if you are Jeonginnie that doesn’t mean you can’t choose to identify as asexual now if you want to do that. It’s okay to change your label in the future if it comes to that.” Jisung explained, hoping this would help.

“And what if I discover I’m demisexual later on and already came out as asexual? Wouldn’t that be wrong? I don’t wanna end up harming the community by accident or making everyone around me think I’m just a confused person.” His voice was coming out strained now, as if he was close to crying and that broke Jisung’s heart a little.

“Is it okay if I hold your hands?” He asked, getting a simple nod as a response from the younger.

He was quick to grab Jeongin’s hands on his and squeeze it, hoping to show him he was there for him. “You won’t harm the community with that Jeonginnie. I promise you that. And to those you choose to come out to, if you ever change your label you can just explain to them that sexuality is fluid and sometimes the way we feel changes. It’s completely okay if that happens.”

“What if they don’t see it that way?”

“Then that’s on them. I know this isn’t really helpful but we can’t do much about how others react to us, how others receive what we tell them.” Jisung told him. “There’s a lot of ignorant people out there who will say shitty things but we can’t let them control us. We can’t let them dictate what we do and you shouldn’t let them stop you from labeling yourself as you want.”

Jeongin held Jisung’s hands tightly and sniffled, taking a moment to get himself together.

“I’ll try keeping that in mind.”

*********

After that things kind of got back to where it was before.

Jeongin texting him sometimes really late at night saying he was freaking out again and wanted to hear more about anything.

Jisung told him about the time he started to actually get crushes on people. How further down the road in high school he actually caught feelings for a girl in his class.

How he would catch himself looking at her and thinking about her more often than not. It was the first time he remembered feeling that way.

Nothing happened, even inside his mind. 

He explained how he just daydreamed about hugging her, holding her hands, playing with her hair and kissing her.

That made Jisung get into the whole deal of how he thought tongue kissing is gross and should be banned from the face of earth.

But then Jeongin’s questions came again. About how further Jisung was even willing to go. How he felt about certain things and if he ever experienced any of that.

Jisung was caught in that uncomfortable position again, but he told himself to endure it because this was just Jeongin trying to figure himself out.

This wasn’t some invasive asshole who thought that just because Jisung didn’t feel sexual attraction, he wouldn’t mind oversharing things like that.

So he told the younger as much as he could bring himself to.

Telling him how he never wanted to see anyone naked. How he felt uncomfortable with tongue kissing, how he didn’t really made out with anyone ever because of that.

How his body would automatically react against it when people touched him near his stomach and he couldn’t handle it. How he wasn’t a fan of hugs. How he disliked when people touched him. 

How he wanted to kill people who thought they were oh so quirky and funny by being like _oh you dislike people touching you and being close to you? Then let me do just that to you._ Like not caring for people’s boundaries was a joke to them.

He ended up telling him all about it. 

That he never wanted to have sex, didn’t want people giving him hickeys nor kissing his neck, or anywhere bellow it. How he was incapable of bringing himself to do such things as well.

And Jeongin seemed to agree to some but not all, which made him question it all even harder and doubt himself again.

The conversation kept going and then one day the younger asked if Jisung ever had a wet dream.

Which just made Jisung even remember about such a thing, as he often forgot it even existed.

He told Jeongin how he never did, ever, and how he thought people were just making that up.

He couldn’t tell if Jeongin related to that or not, because the younger changed the subject immediately after and started to talk about random things again.

Those points in their conversations just wouldn’t leave Jisung’s mind and he felt like he was lacking in several aspects with his guidance.

Jeongin kept being unsure if he was ace but sex indifferent or favored, if he was demisexual instead, if he was gray-ace or if he was none at all and was just scared by the thought of having sex.

And Jisung couldn’t help but feel like a failure when he couldn’t give more insight about the other identities to the younger.

He was losing sleep thinking of ways to help and that was something his friends picked up on, as one morning when neither of them had classes, Hyunjin got inside Jisung’s room immediately asking him what was wrong.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore Jinnie.” He confessed.

“Do what Sung?” His friend asked, taking a seat on the bed next to Jisung.

“This whole guidance thing with Jeongin.” He explained with a heavy sigh.

“Why not?”

Jisung took a breath, trying to figure out a way to organize his thoughts and put all of them into words.

“With Jaemin it was easier...” He started. “He knew he was ace and he just couldn’t put a finger on his romantic attraction, which is very common for anyone in the ace spectrum. It was easier to just share my experience with him and see how he started to understand it all.”

“He might identify as bi not pan like me, but still. It was so much easier.” He exclaimed.

“With Jeongin I keep being afraid I’m overstepping and trying to force asexuality into him. It’s not my intention but all I know how to do is to say what I wish someone had told me when I was in crisis. But then I catch myself texting him and it just... sometimes it seems like I’m shoving asexuality down his throat.” Jisung confessed, thinking back to all the texts in which he just kept telling the boy how he still could identify as ace despite all the doubts he has.

At some point Jisung caught himself wondering if this was even right or if he was simply influencing Jeongin to identify as asexual too, which was the last thing he wanted to do.

“He feels very confused with identifying as ace, or demi, or even gray-ace and I don’t know how to help him with that.” He continued. “I’m so asexual I couldn’t bring myself to say the word sex aloud Hyunjin! So asexual I didn’t even consider faking feeling sexual attraction to others. My friends asked me tons of times if I was gay back in the days because I couldn’t bring myself to act like they did over girls.”

One thing Jisung remembers reading was how some aces would fake sexual attraction to others and how that kind of surprised him as he never even once considered doing so.

“I feel like I can’t help him if he’s not as asexual as me because I’ll keep not being helpful by just being myself.” He sighed. “You understand what I mean?”

“I do. I see your point... but will you just leave him?” Hyunjin asked him.

“I can’t do that either.” There was no way he would be leaving Jeongin to face his crisis alone. He knew how awful that was. “He’s so confused Jinnie. He keeps texting me almost every day with new stuff and I keep telling him to not force himself to choose a label if he’s not ready. To give it time. That is okay to do that, that the fact he’s exploring his sexuality is good enough for now but it doesn’t seem to be enough.”

“I told him he can use asexual as an umbrella term for now, that even if he ends up feeling differently in the future he can still identify as ace and that’s okay.” Jisung explained. “But he’s just as stubborn as I was while trying to figure out my romantic attraction so I know he won’t ease out until he does... I just... I feel useless Hyunjin.”

Jisung then shared a bit more about the conversations he had with Jeongin, as he knew the younger was okay with him doing so with Hyunjin. They were all friends by now, after all.

And once he finished it all his friend just sat there for a moment, possibly trying to process everything that Jisung had just told him and think about a solution.

Hyunjin was quite good with that, maybe that’s why he was such a great gay Jesus to his gay club.

“You know what?” He said after a few minutes. “Have you considered asking someone else to give you some help?” 

Jisung frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Like a partner, someone who would help you where you feel you lack.” Hyunjin explained. “Like asking help for a demisexual for instance as you feel you’re lacking to give him insight about the other identities on the spectrum.”

“That’s... not a bad idea actually.” Jisung told his friend, who beamed widely in response.

“Great! I know someone who can help then.” Hyunjin said, far too excited about the whole thing. “You remember Minho?”

And that was enough to make the recent found relief Jisung had just achieved disappear completely.

“Minho as in Lee Minho? Your tutor for last year?” He asked, hoping to be wrong.

“Yes!” The other agreed, still too excited for his own good.

“Oh no this won’t work, you’ll need to find someone else.” Jisung was quick to say.

“Wait what?” Hyunjin excited smile disappeared, a frown taking over his expression instead. “What’s wrong with Minho?”

“Nothing!” Jisung quickly exclaimed.

“So what’s the problem with him helping out?” His friend asked. “He’s annoying most of the time but he’s actually super sweet and I’m sure he’d be down to help. I just didn’t ask him to do that before because I thought you’d handle Jeongin better by having some kind of experience with the club because of Jaemin.”

Jisung didn’t want to say his reason behind trying to get Lee Minho out of the picture, it was stupid after all, but he knew Hyunjin wouldn’t stop asking until he explained himself.

“I can’t talk to him.” He said. “Have you ever looked at him Hyunjin?!”

“Jisung I see him every week of course I–“ And before he could finish his sentence, Jisung interrupted him.

“He’s the most gorgeous man that ever walked in the face of the earth! I won’t be able to talk to him, that’s the problem.” He confessed, knowing damn well he was blushing now. “My gayness will jump out big time and I’ll die on the spot.”

Jisung might be so asexual he can’t bring himself to call people hot or sexy, but he also has eyes and can very much tell when someone it’s so gorgeous it should be illegal.

Lee Minho was just that. He met the guy once Minho was helping Hyunjin out with a subject he was having problems with and since day one Jisung thought he was cute.

By the time the tutoring was over Jisung was convinced Minho had been hand crafted by god himself, which is saying a lot since Jisung doesn’t even believe in god to begin with.

“Jisung–“ His friend tried to say, but he didn’t let him finish.

“I mean it Hyunjin.” He knew he was being stupid, but he couldn’t stop himself. ”You know my ace ass is the stereotypical: can’t call people hot type. But if there’s one person in this world I’d drop the h bomb for, it would be Lee Minho.”

Hyunjin just looked at him as if he was the stupidest person he ever met. “No one refers to hot as the h bomb.”

“I do.”

“This is getting ridiculously out of hand.”

Jisung knew that, their conversation going from his anxiety filled self freaking out over not being good enough to him calling hot the _h bomb_ was the epitome of ridiculousness.

But he wasn’t going to admit that. “That’s my point exactly. It’s ridiculous of you to think I can partner up with Minho and not die in the process.”

“Okay stop.” Hyunjin sighed. “It’s time to get real now.”

“I’m being real.” Jisung replied, his stubbornness taking the best of him.

“No you’re not, you’re overreacting and being dramatic as usual and I’m cutting it off right now to drop some truths in your face.” Hyunjin told him, with such a serious voice it made Jisung’s reply die in his tongue. “So you know how you helped Jaemin right?”

“Yeah but–“ 

“Shut up you don’t have a say in this.” His friend quickly cut him off. “This is my monologue and every question is rhetoric.” 

That shut Jisung up for good.

“As I was saying,” His friend continued. “You helped Jaemin out even if you initially weren’t one hundred percent on board on being part of this whole _gay club_ of mine as you and Lix put it. I knew you were afraid of getting involved and offer your help because you weren’t sure you were able to help in the first place. But you did, you helped him more than you give yourself credit for.”

And just to make a point Hyunjin faced him with the most serious expression Jisung ever saw his friend make. “He was very confused and forcing himself to figure himself out just like you once were, and the minute you talked to him you understood that, and simply by sharing your experience with him and telling him what you wish someone had told you once you were in crisis, you helped him.”

“I know you’re proud of that and that you felt great by doing it so don’t try to deny that to me. I know you.” He added, knowing exactly what was going inside Jisung’s mind. “That’s why I’m saying that I know that even if you were a bit afraid of getting involved again, you saw how Jeongin needed you and offered him a hand, but the thing is, Jeongin might not be going through exactly what you have because his sexuality might not match yours. And even if you’re are familiar with the spectrum you can’t help him as much as you’d like to if you never encountered the same doubts he has.”

“You were always very sure of yourself even in crisis Jisung. I may not have know you once it happened but by everything you told me I can tell you are like that.” Jisung hated that he was right. “Jeongin isn’t. And by the looks of it he might not be ace but somewhere else in the spectrum and you know how helpful it would be if you talked to Minho about this.”

“You joke you’re the ace Jedi or whatever the fuck, so just please consider this.” Hyunjin told him, his voice softening a little now. “I know you care about Jeongin and want to help him out yourself and as I have no experience on the matter I was keeping myself away, but if you don’t talk to Minho I can do that myself. I can get him to talk to Jeongin and you won’t have to be involved in this any longer.”

And as if his point had been made, because honestly, it had. Hyunjin got up. 

“It’s completely up to you.” He told Jisung, before leaving the room.

*********

Needless to point out that what Hyunjin told him didn’t leave his mind for the rest of that day.

His friend gave him one extra day to sit on his suggestion and decide what he was going to do next.

The only reason behind it being that, apart from the dramatics, he knew how anxious Jisung was about talking to people in general so he knew it would be a bit of a challenge for him to talk to Minho.

It wasn’t exactly like Jisung had a thing for Minho, because he still struggled with figuring out exactly when he had a thing for anyone.

He is very much panromantic and he for sure knows how to appreciate beauty. But the truth behind the things he said to Jeongin still stands.

Checking people out isn’t really a thing he does, unless the person really catches his eye for some reason.

Hair is a big thing for him for example, has always been. So whenever someone has a hair that is outstanding, he will notice them.

His last crush had been on a boy with bright blue hair after all. But he only knew he really was crushing on him after he had a few classes with the boy and talked to him a few times.

All of it was crushed down when he discovered the boy already had a boyfriend though so that was a bummer.

Lee Minho on another hand didn’t exactly catch his attention through his hair. After all it was just normal black hair when they first met.

But then again Minho didn’t exactly stood out that much to him at the time. Sure once Hyunjin introduced them, Jisung thought he was quite cute. But that was it.

No sparks, no increase of his heart beat, no _and there was no one else but him._. Nothing of the sort. In fact he never felt like that, not even with the person he kind of dated before. 

Of course he thought they were cute and was pretty much immediately captured by the way they beamed at him, but nothing else.

The thing here is that the more he accidentally saw Minho once he was going to meet Hyunjin, the more he seemed to notice him.

He was gradually growing on him and Jisung would be lying if he said that he never spent a whole day thinking about Minho’s smile because it was just so soft and cute.

But then again, he thought Felix’s smile was soft and cute and he didn’t have a crush on his friend.

After realizing he was asexual and panromantic one thing Jisung told himself to do was to never again repress any type of thoughts he had.

Because so many of those repressed thoughts were clues to who he was and he was stupid to ignored them at the time. And also because he never wanted to repress a part of himself ever again.

So he allowed all thoughts involving cute boys to flow free in his mind, what made him realize that even if he’s panromantic, he does have a small preference for boys.

This never helped him in trying to figure out if he had a crush or not though, because sometimes he thought he had, but it was actually nothing. And others he thought he hadn’t when in fact the feelings were there.

It was hard work for his mind and he just didn’t want to overthink this, as he does with everything.

So no, he wasn’t sure if the appreciation for Minho’s beauty was a crush or not. He could count on his hands how many times they actually talked to one another so, as of now, he probably didn’t feel anything.

Still, the idea of going to him and not only starting a conversation but also establishing possible weekly – or whenever Jeongin was free – meetings when he would inevitably see and talk to him constantly, scared the crap out of him.

 _”Shit. Shit. Shit.”_ He silently cursed in his mother tongue as he paced around his room. _“Fuck!”_

He already knew what his answer was going to be. The minute Hyunjin finished his so called monologue, he was well aware he was going to ask Minho’s help.

Because Jisung couldn’t bear to not be involved in helping Jeongin. He had practically adopted the boy by now, he was not leaving him to deal with this without him.

He just needed to gather the courage to go to Hyunjin’s college and talk to Minho.

But that could be done tomorrow, he figured, throwing himself on top of his bed, face fully smashed on his pillow. He could deal with this the day after and could also tell his friend his decision once he got home later that night.

Or so he thought.

After spending his entire day finishing assignments in his room and living on Pringles and several cups of Coke, he realized he needed to eat something.

And by something of course he meant instant noodles. As a true college student that was his to-go meal.

So he was forced to leave his room and walk to the kitchen, just to find out one of his roommates ate the last package they had.

 _“Fucking assholes.”_ He swore under his breath.

It was still too early for his roommates to be back, so he couldn’t ask them to buy some on their way. The both of them had night classes that day and with all the skytrain and bus rides it took them a while to get home.

Hyunjin usually arrived by ten fifteen at best and Felix by eleven thirty. I was only nine so their classes hadn’t even finished yet.

Cursing a bit more Jisung just walked to his room, grabbed his wallet and left the apartment.

There was a supermarket near the station but that was too far to his current state of mind, so to the convenience store he went.

He didn’t even care about what he was wearing, as it was literally down the road and it was a tiny little ugly place that didn’t usually had a lot people inside anyways.

Jisung marched down the street as a man with a mission and went straight to the noddles session of the store once he got inside, taking his time to decide if he should really go for the spicy one or not.

Last time it has burned his entire being and he almost cried. But today he was a different, changed man.

While he was at that, he missed the bell at the door ringing quietly and another person stepping in.

He didn’t think it should matter anyways if anyone were to arrive there.

After a good five minutes, he decided on spicy noodles and grabbed the big package, ready to run up the street back to his apartment. After paying, of course.

But then he looked at the direction of the drinks, thinking he could grab something different, and saw the one person he really wasn’t expecting to see standing there.

Lee Minho.

Because why not right? Why wouldn’t his joke of a life just randomly throw him there when he wasn’t ready to meet him. 

For a moment Jisung considered just rushing to the cashier and hoping the other wouldn’t notice him, but then Minho must’ve felt eyes on him and turned his head in Jisung’s direction.

Dammit. He looked even better than Jisung’s mind remembered.

His hair was definitely a few shades lighter now, sort of like a soft brown. Definitely lighter than Jisung’s chocolate brown hair.

He was wearing what Jisung would describe as sports clothes. A blue jacket that matched with his blue pants, his white sneakers the only thing that stood out from his outfit apart from the red large stripe on his jacket sleeves.

His hair was gracefully disheveled, in a way Jisung knew his poor self could never pull off that well. But then again not a single soul could pull anything off as well as Minho could.

 _Okay Jisung focus, tell your panromantic ass to chill._ He thought to himself.

And as if his brain wanted to laugh at him, it immediately made him remember his own state.

Ugly black sweatpants he got at a sale last year, his old black worn out hoodie jacket with the broken zipper and his Hogwarts pajama shirt he was impressed still fitted him after so many years.

He hadn’t exactly brushed his hair that day and don’t let him get started on the fact he knew he was wearing fuzzy purple socks with slippers outside.

To put it simple, Jisung was a mess. 

Meanwhile Minho was looking like he was ready for a photoshoot for a famous sports magazine. Wonderful. 

And he was now walking over with a cute smile on his face. Even better.

 _”Hello.”_ Jisung slipped up in Korean once the older stopped right in front of him.

Idiot! He’s such an idiot! But it was like he forgot how to speak English for a second there. “I mean, hey.... I’m sorry I don’t know if you prefer one or the other I just–“

“Both are fine.” Minho told him. “I speak Korean at home with my parents, no worries.”

“Good... good to know. So how have you been, it’s been a minute.” Jisung was holding his package of noodles so tightly in his hands now he could feel he was crushing it a bit.

The smile on Minho’s face grew a little wider. “I’ve been fine. Just left my friend’s house after he dragged me to the gym with him. I’m very tired.”

So that explains the clothes. “Cool. Cool.”

This was impossible, it was like he couldn’t speak like a normal person anymore.

“How about you? Haven’t seen you around lately, gave up on visiting Hyunjin at college?” Minho asked.

“I actually went there a couple of times for the past few weeks. Guess we just missed each other.” 

“Guess so.”

And before Minho could end this painfully awkward conversation, Jisung saw this as his chance to do what he knew he needed to.

“Actually, I wanted to ask you something, hyung.”

Minho beamed softly at him. “You don’t need to call me hyung when we speak in English, Jisung.”

“I know I just–“ Fuck, he was really just messing this up now wasn’t him. “It kinda always slips up... it got worse to control as I just got back from Korea recently. I sometimes even call my older non-Korean friend, hyung. He’s used to it by now.”

“Oh no worries. I actually don’t mind.” The older explained, a bit flustered. “I just wanted to make sure you knew it was okay. Just forget it, tell me what you wanted to ask.”

The younger nodded, trying to forget what just happened, and going back to collecting his thoughts inside his head before speaking it out loud. 

“I’ve been helping this kid out in Hyunjin’s support lgbt+ group.” He said hoping the definition was right, after calling it gay club for so long he forgot the actual name for it. “He is confused about his sexuality and it might be somewhere in the ace spectrum.”

Minho raised his eyebrows, seemed very interested in whatever Jisung was about to tell him.

“If you didn’t already know, I’m ace myself so I was Hyunjin’s first choice.” He explained. “But the boy is very confused and I wanted to give him more insight about another identity on the spectrum to see if that would help him...”

And before Jisung could even finish, Minho completed. “So, as you probably know because of Hyunjin that I’m demisexual, you wanted to ask for my help on that. Right?”

“Yes. I hope you don’t mind the fact he told me about you.”

“I don’t. He didn’t told me about you though so that makes me a bit mad.” He said, but his expression was light and playful. “I’d have loved to know that before because it’s always nice to know someone who understands the whole thing.”

“It really is.” Jisung smiled at the older.

“So my answer is: yes, of course. I’d love to help.”

That made the younger get very excited and happy, what thankfully made his anxiety lessen considerably.

He started to explain a few things to Minho and was static once they exchanged numbers and Minho told him to just give him the details of when they’d have the meeting and he would be there.

Jisung just asked him to send him his schedule later on so that it would be easier to find a day that worked for everyone.

They talked a little bit more, until Jisung’s stomach grumbled so loudly it couldn’t have gone unnoticed.

“You better get going before you faint of hunger Jisung. We can talk more later.”

“Okay. That sounds great.”

Minho smiled at him once again and it was impossible to not smile back.

“I also should finish grabbing what I need and go because I still gotta catch the skytrain to get to my place.”

“Then I shouldn’t keep you here.” Jisung was quick to move in the direction of the cashier, stopping two steps after though to turn back to Minho. “Thanks for agreeing to help Minho, it really means a lot.”

“Don’t worry about it. Now off you go.” He waved his hands around, motioning for Jisung to just get out of there already.

“I’m going, I’m going.” He was quick to say as he walked away, bidding the other goodbye before reaching the cashier.

And if he looked back at Minho before leaving the store and smiled not only to himself but to the other as well once he noticed Minho was also looking at him, no one else had to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one:  
> literally not a single soul:  
> me: so what if minsung met in a convenience store 
> 
> if you read my first minsung fic you know what I’m talking about lol
> 
> also I always slip up a word in portuguese here so I figured I’d make jisung do that too... and sometimes I forget they’re not supposed to be in korea in my own story and I end up making them call each other hyung without noticing so excuse me for it lol it’s habit after so many fics using it


	3. Not a crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is worse than the previous ones and shorter too. I’m sorry... I wasn’t really feeling it this week

The day was very sunny, which was a change of events after the past few days that were raining a lot in classic Vancouver style.

Given that fact, Jisung and Seungmin were sitting outside for a change, right in front of the Tim Hortons at their campus.

Seungmin was far too busy with his food to engage in a conversation and Jisung was perfectly fine with that as he was busy texting Minho anyways.

They were set to meet in the following day to talk things out a little bit better before their scheduled meeting with Jeongin by the end of the week.

Everything was going better than he thought and he was more than grateful for that because college was taking a tool on him already and making him very anxious.

Jisung just knew he needed to keep everything in check to make sure his anxiety didn’t get out of control. He wasn’t taking the prescribed medication that often anymore because he was in that weird transition phase where he was seeing if he could deal with everything without meds.

His medicine wasn’t that strong to begin with and it was so natural based Jisung sometimes doubted it even did anything.

Everything had been talked out with his psychologist back in Korea and he was willing to try this out, but it still made him worried he was going to lose control anytime.

The recent constant conversations with Minho provided him a good distraction though and he was happy the older seemed very eager to help him out with Jeongin.

They had admittedly gotten off track with their texting though because instead of talking about the meeting or anything related to it, Minho was now ranting about how sad he was over Tim Hortons not selling the red velvet cookie anymore.

It was something seasonal apparently so it was off the menu now after winter ended. Jisung shared his frustration on the matter, as he actually became obsessed with that cookie after the first time he ate it, so he was agreeing to everything the older was sending him.

His phone was placed on top of the table, as he was trying to eat and text at the same time, and he was so captured by the conversation he didn’t notice Seungmin leaning in to check who he was talking with.

After Jisung giggled because of something stupid Minho sent him, it was too much for Seungmin to not comment on.

“So you now have a crush right?”

Jisung almost chocked on his potato wedges. “For fucks sake Seungmin I already told you that I don’t. I explained to you the situation five times now.”

Seungmin had been annoying him over spending so much time on his phone lately as he had been texting Jeongin a lot, but Jisung had explained everything to him already.

He knew he wasn’t texting Jeongin this time around, but still. He just didn’t want to deal with all the teasing, it was annoying and he got easily embarrassed over it.

“Well aware of that Sung, but I saw the ID. You’re not texting Jeongin this time. Who’s Lee Minho?” Seungmin had a stupid smirk on that Jisung wanted to slap off his face.

“Just a guy I know.” He replied evasively, taking a bite of his wrap and pretending he was too busy eating to chat now.

Seungmin unfortunately had finished his sandwich and was very much eager to talk now.

“And that you’re crushing on right?”

Jisung just glared at his friend, stuffing his face with more potatoes wedges to avoid replying.

“You can be honest with me. I swear I won’t make fun of you... for now.”

“Right.” Jisung mumbled.

Seungmin sighed. “You were giggling like a idiot to your phone for the past ten minutes Jisung. I’m not stupid.”

Jisung just kept chewing, avoiding making eye contact, knowing all too well that he would need to reply soon enough.

He took a sip of his drink and faced his friend. “I’m not crushing on him though. He’s just funny.”

The other just gave him a look.

“For real Seungmin. I... I barely know him. He’s Hyunjin’s friend, not mine.” He was hoping the mention of Hyunjin would take Seungmin’s mind out of what was happening, as he was pretty sure his friend had a thing for Hyunjin since he introduced them to each other, but unfortunately it didn’t work.

“For now. You can become friends with him. And not being close to him doesn’t interfere with you crushing on him.” 

“Pretty sure it actually does.” Jisung replied, sending his friend a pointed look.

Seungmin was never one to dance around with his words, he was always straight to the point and very honest, so Jisung was already expecting what his friend was about to say.

“What just because you’re asexual you can’t crush on people that aren’t your close friends or something? Please Jisung. Maybe for some it works like that but you were crushing on that guy from our class and you talked to him like five times. You didn’t even had his number.” He pointed to Jisung’s phone, a notification from Minho appearing on the screen as if to help him makes his point.

He did have a point and Jisung couldn’t deny it.

“It’s not that easy though. Not in my mind.” He tried to explain. “It’s not like I’m unaware that I can crush on people I barely know cause it happened before but it usually takes a while for me to notice that... I guess it’s difficult for me to tell when I’m crushing on someone or not.”

Seungmin nodded, satisfied with the answer. “Okay that makes sense. Don’t expect me to not make fun of you though, you said yourself that I shouldn’t hold back with what I talk about just because I know you’re ace, so you don’t get different treatment here.”

Jisung beamed, Seungmin returning the smile.

This was something he had indeed asked his friend to do. Jisung had a friend in the past who started seeing him as innocent and naive after he came out to him and stared to treat him differently afterwards, claiming it was because Jisung just wouldn’t get it anyways.

It was more than just stopping sex jokes, that Jisung in fact sometimes didn’t understood. He used to not even talk about relationships or anything related to it, often making jokes that would compare Jisung to a robot just because he was asexual.

This was something that got to Jisung and he couldn’t stand. So whenever he came out to people nowadays he picked this habit of telling them to not treat him any different than they did before. Because he couldn’t handle going through something like that again.

Before either of them could carry with the conversation, a cup of noddles was placed on the table and Felix threw himself on the available seat.

“Dude! Today on my way to the toilet–“ Felix was never one to greet them in a normal way.

“What a great opening line.” Seungmin said, cutting Felix off.

“A+ for conversation starter Lix.” Jisung commented, grabbing his last potato wedge and throwing it in his mouth.

“Fuck off.” Felix complained, ripping the plastic lid off the cup and throwing it on the middle of the table. “As I was saying, earlier today on my way to the toilet during the break, I walked past the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”

“Here we go again.” Both of them said in unison.

“I’m serious this time.” Felix took a bite of his noodles. “He was smaller than me, was dressed in all black and had a scowl on his face...”

“Sounds lovely.” Seungmin said dryly.

“Until he saw me and then he smiled and my heart did a thing.” Felix sounded lovesick already and nothing about this made sense in Jisung’s mind.

“Gross.” Seungmin commented with a frown.

“You’re gross.” Felix glared at him. “The guy was so fucking handsome I almost forgot how to breathe. When I walked back I spotted him from the corridor window and I’m pretty sure he’s an animation major. I need to figure out a way to talk to him”

“Well you know where one of his classes are, that’s something.” Jisung told him.

“But it’s gonna take a whole week until he has that class again.” Felix complained.

Seungmin just gave him an unimpressed look. “Lix, we have 90% of our classes in the same classroom. He probably will be there sooner than you think.”

“And all the classes with computers have the schedule attached on the door so we can know when the class is free for us to use.” And before Jisung could finish his train of thought and tell Felix to just try checking it later, the boy was already standing up.

“You two are geniuses.” Felix placed his backpack on one shoulder and grabbed his cup of noddles. “See you later.”

And just like that he was gone.

“He didn’t even finish eating first.” Jisung said, following Felix with his eyes.

“He needs to chill.” Seungmin commented.

Jisung turned to look at his friend with a confused and bummed out expression. “I wish it was that fast for me to figure my emotions out.”

“Don’t overthink this Sung. I also can’t figure my own feelings as fast as Felix does.”

*********

Jisung wasn’t overthinking. Of course not.

He most definitely wasn’t trying to tell himself that it was too early to feel anything for Minho as they barely knew one another.

Something that also was surely not happening was Jisung telling himself over and over that thinking someone was cute, funny, nice and interesting wasn’t enough to mean he had a crush on them.

Because he didn’t. He just didn’t have a crush on Minho and more importantly, not even in a hundred years Minho would have a crush on him.

So even if he felt something, which he didn’t, it wouldn’t matter anyways.

He knew Minho was biromantic, as they had talked about that as it was important for the whole guidance thing, but even then, Jisung just knew Minho was way out of his league.

So no, he definitely wasn’t overthinking this and most definitely didn’t and wouldn’t have a crush on Lee Minho.

And with that in mind he stepped out of the skytrain at Metrotown, walking towards the escalators.

He was meeting Minho at the mall, because they were uncreative people, Minho lived nearby and Jisung had cupons for Burger King. So why not just go to the mall and make use of it right? 

Once the younger finally figured himself out – he still got confused at the location of things at that stupid mall – and found the food court, he walked towards Burger King and spotted Minho in a table nearby.

“Hey!” He said, sitting at the chair across from Minho.

“Hello.” The older smiled at him. “You took your time to get here, huh? I’m already starving.”

“I literally arrived five minutes after the time we had set.” Jisung complained, glad to notice it was easier to talk with Minho this time around.

Maybe all the texting helped in lessen his nervousness over this.

“So you admit you’re late.” Minho smirked.

Jisung wanted to tell him to fuck off but they weren’t that close yet, so he just sighed. “I admit I kinda forgot where the food court was.”

“Haven’t you been living here for a year already?” 

“And what about it?”

Minho laughed, which Jisung had to admit was a pretty nice sound. What was weird because he never really noticed people’s laughs before.

“How much of the city do you know Jisung?” Minho asked.

The younger just gave him the shoulders. “I’m fairly local.”

Minho smiled like he knew exactly what to say to him. “You’ve been around?”

And dammit, he really did. 

Even if he obviously thought about that the second the phrase had left his mouth, the younger wasn’t expecting Minho to follow his reply with a Twenty One Pilots reference.

“I’ve seen the streets you’re walking down.” He was probably smiling like an idiot, but who cares.

“Glad you got the reference.” Minho laughed. “I figured you would.”

“Of course I did.” Jisung replied. “But yeah I’d really say I’m fairly local... I can get here, downtown, back home, to my old homestay, my college and yours. That’s a win for me.”

“I need to take you out to more unusual places then.” Minho said casually, but Jisung’s heart didn’t take it that way.

His heart was beating faster than before and for some reason he felt like it was too hot inside that damn mall.

“S-sure.” He replied, feeling like a fool. “Shall we have something to eat then?”

Jisung immediately got up, feeling even worse after saying that. 

He never said that to anyone. He was way more casual than that. He never talked to people like he was doing his English homework.

And maybe people actually talked like that but something about using _shall_ always felt like English lessons to him. Maybe he’s just stupid.

Either way, it still made him so embarrassed he didn’t even wait for Minho and walked by himself to the line.

Luckily the older didn’t mention any of that and simply started to ask Jisung which cupons he had.

They settled for one that was two burgers for the price of one. Once they were back at the table, Jisung started to discuss everything they needed to get over with concerning the meeting they’d have with Jeongin in three days.

The conversation covered things like what exactly Jisung had already talked about to the younger, what was the things he was having the most difficulties with and how Minho thought he could help.

Jisung had already asked Jeongin if it was okay to add Minho to the equation and was happy to see how eager the boy was to talk to Minho. That made Jisung feel better over the whole thing as he felt he was actually helping Jeongin in a way.

It was a bit challenging for Jisung to say everything he had told Jeongin because a lot of it had been personal things and stuff he wasn’t really comfortable with talking about out loud, but as soon as that part of the conversation started, it ended.

Minho somehow felt that this was not something Jisung wanted to say, specially aloud in the middle of a food court at lunch hour, so he told the younger that he got the context of it and didn’t need the details.

That made Jisung feel so relived he even forgot his embarrassment from before.

He still said he would forward the texts to Minho so he knew he details because he felt it was important for the older to see his perspective over the matter. Plus he knew Minho would just read it all and not talk to him about it and that made him feel comfortable with sharing it.

Minho told him that he knew a few points he wanted to talk to Jeongin that he felt would help and that he had somethings to share that he thought were important.

It was great to hear what he had in mind and Jisung felt like he would gain experience and guidance with this whole thing as well, not only Jeongin.

They chatted for a while about it all and then when they were done eating and talking Jisung figured the other would just bid him goodbye and leave.

Instead of doing that though, Minho started a new conversation. “Enough with the club talk now, we’re both more than our sexualities and I wanna know more about you.”

This was something that made Jisung smile. He knew Minho was in this only because of their little arrangement for the club, but he liked talking to the older and knowing he possibly wanted to build a friendship out of this was nice.

It was also great to hear about how he was more than his sexuality. That brought memories from his previous mentioned friend who started treating him differently after he came out, as if after that Jisung was nothing more than an asexual guy.

Not only that but for a while after he came to the realization himself, Jisung spent a long time seeing himself as just that, so this was a nice comment that meant more to Jisung than it probably should.

“I’d like to know more about you too.”

Minho beamed widely. “Great! So I know you’re an international student. What’s you major and why Vancouver?”

“Web design and honestly it was the most affordable one out of my options.” He replied, memories of the whole process filling his mind.

“That’s seems fun, but really? Vancouver was the most affordable one? That’s hard to believe.” 

That was a fair take on it, the city isn’t exactly the most affordable one after all.

Jisung chuckled. “It really was though. At least the course I picked. My first option was actually London though so you can see why Vancouver could be considered more affordable. Pound is more expensive, Canadian dollar works better for me.”

“Fair enough.” Minho replied. “Do you like it though? At least here you can still have the experience of using the annoying English with Us that you don’t know why they’re there.”

Jisung laughed loudly at that. “Oh god don’t even mention that, it still confuses me. I learned American English, I don’t write color with an U. And seriously there some words that use S here instead of Z and I didn’t even know that happened... I honestly gave up by now and just go with the flow. My writing quite possibly has both mixed up now.”

“I feel you, I started leaning English before coming here and the same happened to me, but after so many years my English is full out Canadian now.” 

“But to answer your other part of the question, yes I really love it here.” He told the other. “Didn’t know anything before coming but I fell in love with the city after like a week.”

“Good to know.” 

He wasn’t going to comment on how he spent the first two days full out sobbing though. Everything had felt so different that even on the third day, when Jisung watched TV and saw Canadian commercials, he needed to hold himself together.

It was a weird feeling but truly now he really loved the city and he just never wanted to leave.

“How about you? How young were you when you moved here?” Jisung knew he had moved with his family years ago but not exactly when.

“I was eleven I think. I can’t really tell, my memories are a mess.” He explained. “It was challenging, but now I wouldn’t change a thing. I feel like this is my home.”

The younger nodded, he could only imagine how hard it must’ve been for a child who didn’t really speak the language to move away from their hometown. 

Their conversation kept going for a while, starting with them learning small things from one another like their taste in music, movies and tv shows. To them talking about their friends, family and how was college going so far.

They went back to trivial things again after a while and talked about their favorite foods, hobbies, colors and cartoons from when they where children. That one led the conversation to a whole different path as Minho tried to remember the lyrics to the opening songs in Korean after Jisung told him how he didn’t know any in English.

It was funny and Minho did a decent job with it, remembering more than he thought he would. He told Jisung the lyrics in English too, but the younger refused to acknowledge any of that because he couldn’t and would never sing it in another language.

There was something about Minho that just made it all easier than usual. Jisung remembers how hard and awkward it was to engage with Felix and Hyunjin. How it took him a while to feel close to them.

With Minho it was like they already knew one another. This was a thing Jisung heard people talk about, how sometimes you just connect with someone like so, but he never really thought it would happen to him.

At some point in the conversation Jisung took his hoodie off and started to talk more with his hands, as he often does when he’s more comfortable with whom he’s talking to.

Since then he took notice of Minho’s eyes often focusing on his arm, more specifically on the black little spot on his wrist.

Once the previous subject ended, Minho was quick to say what he definitely was thinking about for a while now. “I like your tattoo, it’s really nice. I didn’t notice it before.”

“Thanks.” Jisung looked at the little anchor tattooed on the left side of his right wrist. He always had to turn his arm a little to be able to see it. Sometimes he even forgot about it. “My sleeves are so long it always ends up covering it.” 

“You like sweater paws, I can relate.” He smiled. “When did you get it?”

“Few years ago.” He replied, placing his arm on the table and fighting the urge to wrap his hand around his wrist to cover the tattoo.

Talking about it always made him a bit unsettled and he wasn’t willing to tell the meaning to Minho yet. They had to be much closer for that to happen.

He didn’t want to cover it because he loved it and it also wasn’t there to cover anything. But it had everything to do with his anxiety and mental health and he just didn’t want to go there for now.

Minho must’ve felt that, so he was quick to change the subject again. “So what’s up with your life these days? Apart from college because no one wants to talk about assignments right?”

Jisung smiled at him. “True. Not much actually... the only different thing that happened was my friend recent found obsession with this guy he doesn’t know.”

The older chuckled. “That’s a weird concept isn’t it?”

“It is!” He let out as a deep sigh. “He saw the guy once and he’s already admittedly crushing on him like.... how?”

“I honestly will never understand that. It takes me a while to feel things and even longer to notice that I do.” Minho replied and it was just so nice to talk about this with someone who understood it.

“Exactly!” He agreed excitedly. “Sometimes I wish it was easier for me to get crushes or at least for me to realize I have one.”

“Tell me about it,” Minho told him. “My best friend can’t stop talking about this guy he saw on his way back to class since yesterday. Sometimes I wish it was that easy for me.”

“My friend is exactly that way too! It’s so easy for some people that it just baffles me.”

Jisung still wasn’t over how Felix was pretty much all head over heels for someone he didn’t even talked to yet and saw once.

“It really is. He keeps texting me about the guy, talking about his freckles and all and I still don’t understand how the hell he noticed someone’s freckles after walking past the guy once.”

And after hearing that Jisung suddenly remembered how at some point in their conversation Minho told him how his best friend studied at Jisung’s college.

More specifically, how he was an animation major, as Minho had told him he knew how challenging anything involved computers programs could be in Jisung’s college from his personal experience with all the troubles his friend had.

“Wait a minute.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excuse my twenty one pilots reference, I went to see them this sunday and couldn’t help myself for a sec there, tyler literally appeared in my section on the balcony during fairly local so I just had to... also I’m seeing nct127 this upcoming sunday!! IM SO EXCITED!! that’s the only thing keeping me alive until now so if I don’t come back next week assume I’m dead, both because of that but also cause I fear I might not survive seeing them live
> 
> I always ask myself why I’m broke but I literally go to every concert I can... there’s literally no mystery here


	4. Damn wires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I’m alive... unfortunately lol
> 
> So... I miss nct :((((( I haven’t had a pcd this bad since the wings tour and remembering that only made it worse cause bts went back to my hometown this past weekend and I’m miles away from there,,,,, so long story short last week I was a big mess and that’s why I didn’t update... I couldn’t write because I was too busy crying lol
> 
> But yeah I got over it after watching the concerts on livestream and crying my eyes out... so here I am again. This is not great but I think my fucked emotional gave me writer’s block so this is what I managed to come up with, sorry... but I hope it’s better than giving up on it like I almost did :)

So it turned out Felix’s crush was Minho’s best friend. Jisung never really agreed with the phrase _the world is a small place_ until then.

But that was their problem to deal with and the last thing Jisung wanted was to get involved in Felix’s love life.

He did told his friend about it on the same day, what made Felix extra excited when he discovered the dude’s name, but he told him to not get any ideas because he wasn’t really close to Minho so he wouldn’t be asking anything for him.

It was his luck that Felix deemed that fair enough and proceeded to come up with a plan of his own to woo the boy or whatever.

It was now Thursday and Jisung was going over his last assignment, making sure all his coding was correct and the css animation was working properly.

The site was still at a very early stage, but he smiled once he saw how the hot air ballon he vectorized on Illustrator came into the screen, stopped once it came close to the cloud that descended from the top of the screen and then backed away, disappearing from where it came from.

It was a silly animation that his teacher asked just to make sure they all knew what they were doing there.

Jisung had never worked with animation directly on coding before, so that was exciting. But his teacher told him nobody used Flash for it anymore so he needed to step up his game.

That was what he was up to that morning, he was thinking about going over what he and Minho had planned on talking with Jeongin the next day, but he honestly didn’t want to overthink that, specially considering the conversation always ended somewhere else in these meetings as Jeongin always threw questions at him he wasn’t expecting to get.

So there was no use of trying to plan the whole thing inside his mind, as much as he kept trying to do just that.

He was about to try adding a lightening coming out of the cloud to his animation, once his phone vibrated on the table.

**Lee Minho:**

_my hair looks great today and I need to go out so more people can see it..._

_so do you wanna do smth??_

Jisung would be lying if he said he wasn’t beaming like an idiot now. But he never actually expected to hit it off so well with the older and never thought they would become somewhat friends.

He was very happy with the outcome though and was definitely looking forward to get to know Minho better and be close to him. Something about him just made Jisung very happy.

Jisung tried to not think too much about that because he didn’t want to freak out, but maybe one day, very soon in the future, what Seungmin teased him about, might become true. 

With that text Jisung ended up waiting for Minho at the Waterfront station, not exactly sure where the older actually planned on going.

They had been texting nonstop every since the day they went out together and Jisung was happy to know they worked pretty well together as a duo, that would definitely help with the whole Jeongin guidance situation.

“Hey!” He heard Minho excited voice and turned around to face the other. 

He had a big sweet smile on his face and looked cuter than ever. His hair was definitely nice that day and he had every right to want to show it off to the world. 

“Hey, how are you?” Jisung asked, trying his best to not get nervous over this. He was closer to Minho now, no need to freak out. 

“Fine.” Minho motioned for the exit, already walking towards it. “How has your day been going?” 

Jisung was quick to follow after him. “Okay I guess. I was finishing my assignment for tonight, what reminds me I gotta leave here by five if I wanna be there in time.”

Minho suddenly stopped walking. “Oh you have classes tonight? I thought it was morning classes, that’s why I invited you to go out now. I’m sorry for messing up your schedule.”

“You’re fine.” Jisung beamed at him. “It’s still early, we can walk around and I can still make it to class in time. I wouldn’t have agreed to come if it would mess things up.”

“Are you sure?” Minho was ready to turn around and leave, apparently really worried about the whole thing.

Jisung thought it was cute. He then went back to walking, looking back at the older with a smile. “Yeah I’m sure, now stop wasting time.” 

“Shit you’re right.” And with that Minho basically started to sprint to where he wanted to go. 

They left the station without a clear path in mind, Minho turning right and walking towards nowhere in particular.

Both of them had lunch already, so there wasn’t any clear intention with this whole meeting. It was super casual and out of nowhere and Jisung loved it.

He had been unsure of what exactly was the status of their relationship, Jisung is always one to overthink literally everything in his life, so whenever he meets new people he’s never sure when it’s okay to call them his friend.

Maybe after this it would be safe to say Minho was his friend though. The older clearly seemed to act like they were anyways.

They walked into a Starbucks because Minho claimed he wanted to try the special drink. So both of them got that and left to walk some more.

The place wasn’t crowded that afternoon, which was nice. A lot of times Jisung went there, the place would be crowded with a lot of tourists, but this time around it was peaceful and nice.

Once they hit the terminal – or whatever that’s called – for some seaplanes, Jisung had to stop to take some pictures. All excited over stupid seaplanes as if he never saw one before in his life. 

Minho giggled at him and Jisung wanted to slap him and then himself after thinking that was the cutest giggle he ever heard in his life.

The older kept talking about how he couldn’t believe Jisung never walked over there, even after living at the city for a whole fucking year.

Jisung just told him he would stop at Canada Place and they walk back because he wasn’t sure where the other way would take him, and once Minho told him they would get to Stanley Park if they kept walking, Jisung properly lost his mind.

That lead to a whole conversation about how Jisung was the worst with directions and maps. He tried to reason with Minho saying he barely knew anything in his own hometown so there was no reason for it to be any different now.

Minho kept teasing him but never too harshly. He then found himself promising Jisung he would take him everywhere he possibly could, even if Jisung wouldn’t remember how to get back there later.

The younger refused to accept the weird feeling he got after hearing that, and simply opted to ignore it all and take a seat at a bench on the little park by the seawall.

“Enough walking, I’m tired already.” He dramatically sighed.

Minho beamed, taking a seat next to him. “We barely walked. I thought we could reach Stanley Park before you had to leave but with your pace, we’ll have to jut walk back for you to get to class in time.”

“I’m not slow.” He complained with a pout. “You’re just too fast for no reason.”

“I’ll give you that, as I already heard I usually walk like I’m already half an hour late to everything.”

Jisung laughed. “That’s an accurate description. You need to calm down.”

“I am calm now.” Minho got himself more comfortable on the seat. “Very much so.”

They sat there for a few minutes, Jisung ending his drink and watching a boat move in the water in front of him. 

The sun was shining and it was a very beautiful day, the bench was beneath the trees and that provided a welcome and very needed shadow. He wished he didn’t have classes that night, because he didn’t want to leave.

“Not to start a discussion again, but even if you weren’t aware you’d get to Stanley Park walking down here, that doesn’t mean you’ve never been there, right?” Minho asked, turning to face Jisung with a frown.

“No Minho, it doesn’t mean that.” Jisung laughed once the older sighed profusely in relief. “But I’ve only been there once.”

The shock that crossed the other’s face shouldn’t be as funny as Jisung thought it was. 

“A whole year and you’ve been there just once? Really?” 

“You say that as if you go there every weekend, what I’m sure you don’t, so give me a break.” Jisung replied, forcing himself to not roll his eyes at Minho. He needed to cut off on that habit of his.

Minho took a sip from his drink. “Fine I don’t, but I go at least more than once a year.”

“I don’t really care for parks.” The younger told him, earning another shocked look from Minho. “What? Are you the number one park lover or something? Stop giving me that look.”

That made Minho smile at him again, the shocked look leaving his features. “I just think it’s nice to go sometimes, you park hater.”

This time he couldn’t help it, so he rolled his eyes. “I’m not a hater. I just don’t really see the point of going. There’s nothing to do besides walking around and then I get tired and sweaty, so it’s not worthy.”

“Unbelievable.” Minho shook his head. “How many times have you been to the mall at Metrotown?”

“Several, but before you can say anything, there’s actually so much to do there and there’s also AC which is everything.” Jisung spat out. “Plus, I need to buy shit from the stores there so obviously I need to go there more often.”

“That’s why the world is dying.” Minho joked, earning a push on the shoulder by the younger. “Have you at least been to Queen Elizabeth Park?”

When Jisung gave him the puppy eyes, in hope to not get yelled at, he knew he didn’t even had to reply.

“Holy fuck Jisung.” The older complained. “I’m gonna take you there then. We gotta go next week.”

Trying his best to ignore the flutter of his heart, Jisung just gave Minho a questioning look. “Why? What’s so great about another park?”

“You’ll see.” Minho stood up then. “We’re going during the week because it’s less crowded, but now we gotta take you back or you’ll be late.”

Jisung wasn’t really paying attention to the time, as he couldn’t care less about it anyways. It was great to know Minho was, otherwise he wouldn’t have made to class that night.

The whole afternoon was so great Jisung felt lighter. It was such an odd way to describe it all, but being with Minho was just comfortable, easy and light. Like he took all the problems away with his smile.

Jisung tried his best to not overthink how Minho made him feel, but some things are impossible to ignore.

On their way back, when they were almost approaching the station the both of them were leaving – Jisung to get the bus to college and Minho to get home – something really ordinary happened that set Jisung into crisis in a way it shouldn’t have.

Jisung had picked his earphones and placed one inside his ear, as he would part ways with Minho soon and he wanted to be ready to blast some music right after.

And they were just standing there, next to the closed door of the skytrain, holding onto the bars and talking. Jisung with his back to the door and Minho facing him.

They were kinda close to one another but the train was full so it was nothing unexpected. But then while he was talking about something, Minho simply reached out and grabbed the wire hanging from Jisung’s earphone.

He just played with it as he talked, possibly not even paying attention to what he was doing, but that simple act made Jisung’s heart beat out a samba inside his chest. 

Minho was suddenly too close, the wagon was suddenly to small and crowded and Jisung forgot how to breathe for a hot second.

That stupid little act sent him right to gay panic and Jisung wanted to vanish from the face of earth.

Thankfully the next stop was theirs, so Minho let go of the wire and walked off, Jisung trailing after him, still out of it.

He just kept nodding to whatever the older was saying and bided him goodbye as they went to opposite directions after leaving the station. 

Just once he was inside the bus in his way to his class that his heart finally calmed down. Fuck, he is ridiculous.

*********

The fact that stupid act didn’t leave Jisung’s mind during his entire class said a lot about him.

A lot about how he was a stupid person who was clearly overreacting over stupid shit.

No news there though, as he is very self aware of who he is and knows for a fact he insists on overreacting over every little thing in his life since he can remember.

The problem was that such a thing wasn’t that good for his anxiety, as he could feel himself getting far too anxious over things that shouldn’t make his palms sweat so much and his heart beat so fast.

Seungmin almost had to slap his face to get him to pay attention to class. He was glad he was a great friend though because the other promised to send him his notes from class later that night, as he saw how Jisung wasn’t functioning.

It was also great how Seungmin didn’t insist on knowing what made Jisung feel that way. Once he told his friend he didn’t want to talk about it yet and needed time to think things through, the other just smiled at him and told him to take his time.

Jisung is very lucky to have the friends he has. What proved to be right once more when he got home that night.

After closing the door and kicking his shoes off, Jisung just threw himself on the couch with a heavy sight. _”Fuck my life.”_

That caught Hyunjin’s attention as he was walking from the bathroom to his bedroom once it happened. 

“Cursing in Korean as usual but with much more sighing involved.” Hyunjin joked, taking a seat on the floor, right in front of the couch. “What’s bothering you Sung?”

Jisung wasn’t sure he wanted to share how absolutely ridiculous he was, but maybe he could convey his feelings without exposing his gay panic over a trivial thing.

“Minho.” He simply said, not sure how to phrase it all.

With his face pressed against the couch, he missed Hyunjin’s change of posture and the somehow protective frown on his face. “Did he do something to you?”

But even missing it all, Jisung knew it happened just by his tone of voice. 

“Not like that.” He turned his face to look at his friend. Catching just in time how the protective frown turned into a confused one.

“Then what about him?”

Not waiting to face him once he said it, Jisung closed his eyes. “I think I have a crush on him.”

Hyunjin squealed, very loudly, making Jisung groan. 

“This is such great news, you guys would look adorable together.” And by opening his eyes Jisung saw the excitement on his friend’s face. 

“Stop.” He whined.

Hyunjin smiled widely at him. “I can’t. This is cute, you guys would be cute together. I love this.”

“But I can’t have a crush on him Jinnie!” Jisung complained, turning his whole body to his friend and curling into a ball.

“Why not?”

“Because.” He answered, as if that was good enough.

Hyunjin raised his eyebrows at him and he reluctantly admitted what was bothering him. “Because.... isn’t it too fast? For me to have a crush on him already?”

“Felix literally already has a date with animation major this weekend.” Hyunjin told him. “I think your pace is good.”

“He what now?” Jisung sat up on the couch, screaming for his other friend. “Felix you what now?”

The Australian appeared from his room, taking one earphone out, with a confused expression. “What?”

“You have a date with Changbin already?” Jisung basically yelled at him.

“Oh yes!” Felix smiled. “He had a class on that classroom today and I managed to talk to him once it was over. We’re going somewhere he knows in Gastown this Saturday.”

Jisung just turned to face Hyunjin, his mouth hanging open as if that was the craziest thing he ever heard. He’s a dramatic person okay, let him be.

“Holy shit...” He whispered.

“Exactly Sung.” Hyunjin told him with a soft smile. “So no, you possibly having a crush on Minho by now isn’t too fast.”

“It really isn’t mate.” Felix was quick to throw his earphones away and take a sit next to Jisung on the couch. “You have been talking with him like every day for a few days now and you met him last year. You had very few conversations I’m well aware, but still, totally reasonable.”

“For you guys it may be but–“ Jisung tried to say but Hyunjin cut him off.

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

“Hyunjin–“

“No. I’m not sitting through another one of your talks about this.” Hyunjin then gave him his serious look and Jisung decided to shut up. “Look Jisung, I’m well aware that it works differently for you. I don’t get exactly how I’m not gonna lie, but I know it does and I understand the whole concept of it, if you allow me to call it that.”

Jisung gave him a nod just in case he actually wanted a reply.

“But, dude, you need to stop trying to place yourself inside a box.” His friend concluded.

“What do you mean?” He frowned.

“I know there’s always a phase in which we’re all about that expressing and sorta hyping up our sexuality life.” The other explained. “I used to want to wear a fucking pride flag around my neck like a goddamn cape as if I was the gay superhero or some shit.”

“Yeah man, we all get overexcited about it after we accept ourselves.” Felix said. “I know it’s a big moment and a big deal and, like, I used to want to come out to every single person that came across me, but that’s sort of like the honeymoon phase of coming out or whatever.”

“Felix is right. It’s a phase we go through when we’re all excited to find a place within a community and when we’re all about that relatable experience life.” Hyunjin added on.

“Mate, the amount of time I spent on the gay tag on tumblr is embarrassing.” Felix chuckled. “I loved reading stuff and being able to relate to it. It felt really fucking good.”

“Exactly. I did the same thing.” Hyunjin told them. “I started watching a bunch of videos and stuff and I was all hyped up about being gay and accepting myself and all, but a lot of it was me shutting out a lot of other parts of my personality in order to fit a stereotype.”

Jisung felt inside a tennis match, his head going from one friend to another as they spoke to him.

“That doesn’t happen to everyone but a bunch of people start to focus so much on this part of themselves that they make it all they are.” Felix had a point there, a point that hit too close to home for Jisung. “And they force themselves into the stereotypes thinking that’s the way to go about this. I even started to Google how to dress gay because I wanted to pretty much wear my sexuality to let everyone know about it. Which was stupid because no style of clothing is a ‘gay style’, we all dress differently and that has nothing to do with our sexuality.”

“That’s what you’ve been doing with this whole crushes thing Sung.” Hyunjin explained. “Not only that but you’re also trying to fit into the stereotype because you’re afraid that if you don’t fit into it you’re gonna be a ‘lesser ace’ than others.”

Hyunjin beamed softly at him, making Jisung know his feelings were stamped on his face now. “And I know you’re sure of yourself and you’re even helping Jeongin out, but this doesn’t change the fact those insecurities around your sexuality still gets to you sometimes.”

“It’s also totally fine that they do.” Felix added. “That’s life, man. Sometimes even when you’re one hundred percent sure of yourself, some minor thing happens that makes the whole thing shake a bit. You don’t even notice how it affects you sometimes.”

Hyunjin nodded. “The point we’re trying to make here is that we know you’re ace. You know you’re ace, and the fact you developed a crush faster than you’re used to doesn’t make you any less ace.”

Felix touched his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. “People’s experiences are not universal Sung. A lot can be a common thing but no one ever experiences everything the same way another person do. We all have differences and you not fitting what you see as the ace stereotype doesn’t make you less ace.” 

Hyunjin then have his leg a little tap, smiling at him after. “And I know you know that, because I know this is a thing you’ve told Jeonginnie. So you need to take a step back from teaching others this and make sure your own self gets the message as well, got it?”

“Yeah I got it.” He smiled at his friends. “Thanks guys. I felt I was in a session of Jinnie’s gay club myself now.”

They all laughed. Felix standing up again, ready to go back to his room. “I keep saying I’d be a great addition to it.”

Hyunjin sighed. “You said that but every time I try to give you a pupil, you run away.”

Felix smirked and disappeared into his room, making Hyunjin get up in a jump and go after him, complaining about it over and over.

Jisung laughed at them, not ever sure himself of what exactly Felix wanted out of that. He was pretty sure the boy himself didn’t know either.

So he could cross the _maybe_ from his thoughts now. All because of some damn wires, he figured out he most definitely had a crush on Minho.

Fuck. He had a crush on Minho and he didn’t know what to do about that. Their first section together with Jeongin on the next day would definitely be interesting.

Jisung just hoped he was ready to face that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I say someone actually did that thing with the earphones wire and sent me into gay panic I mean it... I’m ridiculous... specially cause she’s straight and I have no feelings for her, but it sent me straight to gay panic lol
> 
> This was a bit shorter again but after the impromptu guidance I didn’t want to jump into another one right away, so that will be coming next time. Hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading, giving kudos and commenting! It means a lot!


	5. Fuck crushes, man...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not proofread I’m so sorry... I might do it later

Jisung caught himself siting in the skytrain far earlier than he wish he had. 

It was fairly early in the morning and there he was trying to convince Hyunjin to get out at Commercial instead of Main-Street and get the Millennial Line so they could catch the bus to the other’s stupid college.

The fact it took him nearly the whole forty minutes ride to get Hyunjin to agree to him annoyed Jisung to no ends, but he figured he could deal with that given the fact he wouldn’t have to walk and could just get inside the bus afterwards.

His friend did have a point when he said the bus wasn’t exactly necessary but it was early in the morning and Jisung wasn’t even supposed to be there yet, so he figured he didn’t have to suffer more by walking for ten minutes.

Jisung and Minho’s section with Jeongin that day was happening a bit after lunch time. The younger had classes that morning and Minho had a meeting with his teacher about a project he was doing.

Given those facts, Jisung was supposed to show up just in time, after using his precious cupons at McDonald’s again. 

But he was rudely woken up by his roommates once Felix dropped a whole glass jar on the ground and broke into billions of tiny pieces. Hyunjin almost stepped on it trying to help, what made the other scream and well, long story short, Jisung was awake and couldn’t go back to sleep.

That’s why he decided to just tag along with Hyunjin to his college. The fact he was also still very much freaking out inside, over crushing on Minho, making it hard for him to be left alone with his thoughts at their apartment, as he had no classes that day, also made a good reason why he should go.

So there he was now. After the whole skytrain and bus discussion, inside his friend stupid college that was so white and somewhat empty, it made him feel inside a hospital.

Jisung really thought a college for art and design should have more of those things inside, but not. It was all clear spaces, white empty walls and nothing else.

Hyunjin said sometimes exhibitions would occur and the place would be filled with artworks and different projects, so maybe it kind of made sense, but Jisung still hated the fucking place.

His friend had a meeting with someone from his gay club that morning and then classes after lunch, so Jisung caught himself alone sitting at a table near the college’s cafe.

In hindsight he probably should’ve just stayed home. 

But then good old Chan showed up and sat with him, a far too cheerful smile on his face for so early in the morning.

“Morning mate, what brings you here so early?”

“Felix breaking shit at home and Hyunjin almost stepping on broken glass.” Jisung replied, causing Chan to wide his eyes.

Before the older could go full out parent mode on him, like he constantly did, Jisung was fast to explain exactly what happened, finishing it off by saying he was just going to wait around until it was time to meet with Minho and Jeongin.

“... I just felt like I couldn’t stand being at home alone with my thoughts,” Jisung told him. “I actually am hoping you don’t have classes soon because turns out I just ended up alone with my thoughts here too.”

Chan gave him a sympathetic smile. “I understand and worry not, I’m free until lunch time.”

The younger sighed in relief. “Oh that’s great, you’re stuck with me then cause I ain’t letting you leave this table.”

His friend chuckled. “I’m not leaving then. I actually also came earlier because of my roommate.”

“Why?”

“Woojin hurt his feet yesterday. It’s a long story,” He added when Jisung gave him a worried look. “He’s fine overall, but I thought it would be better to avoid walking and getting the skytrain and stuff so as I have classes later I decided to drive him to his this morning.”

“I see.” 

Chan was always a very attentive and worried person, he would literally to anything to anyone close to him.

“If you wanna talk about it, what kind of thoughts you wanted to avoid facing by being alone?” The older asked. “You know you can talk to me if you need to right?”

Jisung gave him a smile and nodded. “I talked it out with Jinnie and Lix yesterday... it felt a lot like a session in his club actually.”

Even not exactly getting what it was about, Chan nodded in understatement. “Hyunjin is really good isn’t he? Sometimes I remember the things I talked out with him and I find it hard to believe he is younger than me.”

“He really is... Felix helped a lot too. I’m just–“ He interrupted himself, not sure what to say.

The older just sat there, giving him a while to go through whatever he needed to figure out before continuing.

“I just have a lot in my mind now.” He ended up saying.

“If you don’t want to talk about it we can just focus on something else.” Chan offered.

The younger wasn’t sure what option was best if he were to be completely honest. It wasn’t like the whole crush thing was messing him up that much, but it was just an added thing to the mess his head already was so things weren’t that easy.

He had plenty of other things he could talk to Chan, things that were actually messing him up pretty bad.

College wasn’t easy, his anxiety and insomnia were being a bitch lately and there really was a part of him that was terrified of his depression rising again and making things worse to deal with.

But in reality he didn’t want to talk about those things. He kept telling himself that he could handle whatever life threw at him, after all he had already dealt with so much in the past.

So in the end maybe talking about the least serious problem he had was the way to go and distract his mind from the other stuff. 

Minho was really being the one thing that was taking his mind off all that crap already to begin with so he decided to just allow that to keep happening.

And Chan didn’t necessarily had to know who he had a crush on.

“It’s okay, it’s just a silly thing really.” He said with a sigh. “I have a crush on someone.”

Chan raised his eyebrows slightly, not expecting that to be the thoughts the younger wanted to avoid. “Oh really?”

“Yeah.” Jisung lowered his head and passed a hand on his hair, looking back up to face his friend after. “I’m having a bit of trouble handling that fact.”

“I can see.” The older grinned. “Why is that so?”

“Because of reasons.” He simply said.

Chan laughed. “You don’t have to tell me them all if you don’t want to.”

“Bunch of shit I talked to the guys yesterday and that I’m trying to get past it and.... I don’t know.” He took a pause, not sure himself of what else exactly was troubling him. “I think I don’t like feeling things.”

His friend chuckled again. “I totally get that. Dealing with feelings is never easy, specially involving someone you’re crushing on.”

“Yeah... there’s too much to unpack with me too and I guess I don’t ever wanna face that.” He admitted. “Plus I don’t believe anything is gonna happen and I’d rather just not have to deal with feelings for it to just be a dead end you know.” 

He took his black ring ou of his middle finger and started to play with it on top of the table. An anxious habit of his.

“Unpacking is never fun,” Chan told him, making him chuckle. “But you never know if things are really dead ends Sung, something might happen and unfortunately we can’t control our feelings for others, it just happens.”

“I don’t think I’m the right person for who I’m crushing. They might not be willing to give up certain things for me and I never wanna put anyone in a position like that.” He finally said. 

This was something that had always bothered him. Being a sex repulse ace always made him fear no one would ever like him enough to give up on sex to be with him, and not one would ever love him enough to be with him for a long time because of that.

Before the older could say anything, he kept talking. “I don’t think is fair of me to ask people to give up stuff just to be with me, but I also know I will never pressure myself into doing anything because that’s also not fair with me. Maybe I just need to find another asexual to fall for.”

Chan gave him a soft look and that alone warmed his heart. The older did had a way, even with only his expressions, to comfort others.

“You can’t force yourself to fall for people Sung and I think it’s something that definitely could happen, but it’s also not fair for you to want to fight your feelings for others because they aren’t ace. If they end up loving you and caring for you, I’m sure them respecting your boundaries wouldn’t be a challenge. You deserve to be able to feel and you deserve to be loved with respect.” 

The way his friend worded that was very important to him. Jisung needed to accept a lot of things, going from how it’s okay to not fit the stereotype and that doesn’t make him less asexual, to knowing that he deserved someone who would love him and respect his boundaries without worrying about what their sexuality was.

Maybe in this particular case it would be easier though, he thought to himself. Minho was demi so he definitely understood Jisung better, but that fact didn’t say anything about if Minho would like him enough to give up on something he can end up feeling and doing.

Jisung wasn’t aware of the other’s preferences and thoughts on that yet, even if he shared his own with him by sending Minho the texts he sent Jeongin. So even if it seemed easier, he couldn’t know for sure.

“Thanks Chan, that really means a lot.” He smiled at the other, who beamed back at him.

“It’s just the truth Jisung.” 

And before either of them could say anything else, the cause of all of Jisung’s thoughts and worries appeared.

“Jisung I didn’t know you knew Chan too.” Minho said, happily occupying the free chair on the table.

The younger had to take a deep breath to be able to face him without feeling like he was going to faint. 

“He’s my friend.” Was all he managed to get out. 

Minho had his hair gracefully messy as usual and was wearing a simple back jacket with a white shirt underneath. He looked _breathtaking_. 

Jisung thought someone couldn’t possibly be that beautiful, it should be illegal.

“He is my friend too!” Minho exclaimed with a smile. “I know him because of Hyunjin actually.”

The younger wasn’t about to tell him he was aware of that, so he just smiled to him, hoping his cheeks weren’t red because he could feel his face getting hotter.

He truly hated having feeling, it’s the worst thing.

“We all here know each other because of Hyunjin.” Chan said, making Jisung tear his eyes away from Minho. “Why are you so happy this morning? You’re usually much more grumpy.”

Minho beamed and Jisung forced himself to look away again. “The meeting with my teacher was nice and much faster than I thought it would be so I’m in a good mood now.”

“I see. Well Sung, now that you have company maybe I should–“ Chan was saying but stopped after seeing the wide pleading eyes the younger sent him.

It happened before he could hold himself against it and once Jisung noticed the look he had given his friend, it was too late.

Chan started with a frown, turned to face Minho, looked at Jisung again and then in span of three seconds his frown deepened, then his eyebrows rose, his eyes widened and looked clear and full of realization.

There was no doubts, by the mess of emotions that went through Chan’s face, Jisung was positive his friend knew exactly who was Jisung’s crush now, so the younger gave him and small nod and sighed.

“Did I miss something?” Minho asked, very confused.

“No.” Jisung answered, too fast for his liking and possibly too loudly as well.

Minho still looked very confused and the younger had no idea what to do. Maybe he could just run away, go back to Korea and never look back.

“It’s nothing important.” Chan said, totally recovered from his realization and back to being a normal person, differently from Jisung. “Something that Jisung was talking about to me just hit me.”

“Okay...” Minho didn’t seemed pleased with the reply, but he was never one to press others for answers, so he allowed the thing to pass.

“As I was saying, maybe I should finally go buy some snacks.” Chan tried to save the situation by not allowing Minho think Jisung didn’t want to stay alone with him.

It was poorly done, but Jisung was grateful for it. “Yes. That’s a great idea.”

Minho still looked rather confused and now a bit lost, but he simply began searching for his wallet. “Get me a cookie then. The chocolate one please, the other one tastes like shit.”

After that things got back to normal. Jisung was able to calm his feelings and anxiety down and Chan made everything so much easier.

It was just a bit challenging to be anywhere near Minho now that Jisung knew he had a crush on him. He caught himself wanting to stare at him then immediately freaking out over maybe having stared at him for too long.

He kept noticing the stupidest things. Like how his heart was beating too fast, how the place kept getting too hot every time Minho smiled at him, how Minho blinked a lot, how he had the cutest mole on his nose and once Jisung caught himself thinking Minho’s eyebrows were gorgeous he almost forced himself to run away.

The only eyebrows Jisung ever took notice in his life was the middle school kid ones, because it was big and automatically the first thing you noticed when looking at him. But he never thought any eyebrows were ever even nice, yet here he was now calling Minho’s _gorgeous_.

Fuck crushes, man... not literally.

*********

Sooner than he thought it would be, it was time for their session with Jeongin.

He guided Minho to the classroom on the second floor, pleased to meet Hyunjin there already. 

His friend talked a bit with them and once Jeongin arrived, he left.

Jisung took a deep breath and introduced them to one another.

“Jeongin, this is Minho. Minho, this is Jeongin.” And just like that their section started. 

This time around most of the talking was made by Minho. As they had planned, Minho told Jeongin more about demisexualilty and his personal experience with it.

He explained how exactly he realized how he felt, how it was also difficult for him to figure out who he was attracted to, how he only ever had crushes on close friends when he was younger, even when he didn’t want to.

Mentioned things like how he once went on a date with a total stranger, kissed them afterwards and felt absolutely nothing. 

Explained how it’s true that the sexual attraction only appears after forming a close emotional bond, but that doesn’t mean any strong bond will do. 

Gave him a detailed explanation about how one thing that happens to people on the spectrum can be classified in two different terms: primary and secondary sexual attraction. 

Telling him that primary is based on more, in a way, shallow aspects of things, like their appearance, clothes and even personality. And that secondary is the kind of attraction that appears from a connection, usually romantic, or from how close people are with others. Meaning that demisexuals, for example, don’t experience primary sexual attraction, only secondary.

He tried to put as much as he could out there and they discussed each part with each other, while Jisung just sat there, sometimes in awe, hearing about it all.

At some point in the conversation Jeongin’s usual worries surfaced and he asked it all to Minho. About how his number one fear was to choose a label now and then realize he was something else all along.

Minho basically repeated all that Jisung had already told the younger, in his own words, ending with:

“You gotta be aware that sometimes things change. Sexuality is fluid after all. But sometimes even within the label you choose you can experiment things differently after I while. Sometimes you find yourself doing something you didn’t use to do before or feeling a way you didn’t before. A few times it might really take a bit longer for you to feel somethings but that’s okay. You’re still as part of that community as before.”

Minho gave him a smile. “People change Jeongin, and a lot of things are circumstantial as well, so it may happen differently when it happens another time. All of that it’s okay and we need to learn how to deal with it all.”

Jisung almost felt as if those words were directed at him too. Maybe that’s why Jeongin was still having problems with that, maybe Jisung just couldn’t be assertive enough with his words and the younger could feel it.

Or maybe Jisung was overanalyzing things again. 

Jeongin took a bit longer to find something to say after that, possibly taking in consideration that perhaps those words were right after all. Considering two different people told him basically the same thing, maybe it was time to take those words to heart.

Once he spoke again, he brought up another issue he usually had. “And what if I come out to people and then end up changing my label or something? Jisung said that I should just explain it to them and that if they don’t get it that’s on them. That I shouldn’t allow others to dictate what I do and I shouldn’t let them stop me from labeling myself as I want.”

Jisung was impressed Jeongin remembered pretty much exactly how he worded that, he barely remembered it himself, but as soon as the words left the younger’s mouth his memory was clear.

He didn’t have much time to be amazed at that though, because soon Minho was turning to give him a somewhat proud and impressed look mixed with his beautiful smile and Jisung thanked the fact he was sitting otherwise he feared his legs would’ve failed him.

“Well Jeonginnie I think Jisung here knows exactly what he’s talking about then.” He turned to face the younger and Jisung was able to breath properly again. “He’s right. Others shouldn’t stop you from figuring things out now and choosing whatever label you feel like it, if you want one. If that changes they’ll have to respect this and understand you.”

Jeongin nodded, giving both of them a sweet smile. “Coming out sounds scary though. I just don’t want to have come out more than once I guess.”

“I feel you. Sometimes are easier than others but I can tell you that with time it can get easier to deal with.” Jisung spoke, for the first time in a while. “Depending who it is I just kind throw it out there mid-conversation as if it’s not a big deal so they end up knowing and I don’t have to make a whole thing out of it.”

Minho beamed. “Same. There was this friend of mine who had no idea and I made a bi pun with him and that how I came out to him. It doesn’t always needs to be scary.”

“That actually makes me feel better.” Jeongin chuckled.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Jisung told him.

“Also, you choose to come out when you’re ready, and you can choose to do it only with those who’ll understand.” Minho explained. “People deal with it differently. I’m all about being loud and proud, but you can be proud without being loud too.”

Jisung smiled to himself with that, thinking back at how his whole family and several friends had no clue he’s not straight. He was definitely proud, but not exactly loud.

“There’s no need to rush, no need to tell every single person in your life about it if you don’t want to.” The older continued. “Some people think they have a right to be upset over you not telling them and not opening up and those people are wrong. You don’t owe anyone anything, no matter who they are.”

That was actually a very important thing to point out. 

“I think it’s harder for them to understand it when they never felt that way.” Jisung added to the conversation. “In other words, straight and cis people love to play the card that they’re upset you didn’t trust them or some shit but the problem here is that they just don’t get it. They don’t understand all the implications that follow coming out and they don’t know how challenging it can be for yourself to do so.”

Minho nodded, giving Jisung another smile. “Coming out even to myself was a challenge and I dealt with internalized homophobia for a long period of my life. It took me years to grow out of that and be comfortable enough with myself, with who I was. So it was even harder to do so to someone else.”

“One thing I wish everyone could understand is that if I don’t want to, I won’t come out.” Minho said. “I’ll live my life as I want and let them deal with it how they want. I literally went to pride with a few people who are friends of a friend. Enjoyed the parade, grabbed all the free stuff they were giving. Took pictures of everything. Got myself a demisexual pin and used for the rest of the day. If they choose to look at that and think I’m straight that’s on them, but I do not owe them an explanation for anything and I don’t have to come out to them with words if I don’t want to.”

It was incredible how unapologetic Minho was about the whole thing, Jisung really loved his attitude about it.

“One of them asked what the pin meant and I told them it meant demisexuality and that was it.” He shook his shoulders. “No further explanation, no anything. I also don’t owe them an explanation. I explain it sometimes but after hearing so much shit after doing so I think it’s not my duty to do that. If they wanna know more google is their friend. I’m not a fucking dictionary to give them the meaning of words.”

Unable to stop himself, Jisung laughed at that. Making the other two laugh along with him.

“Once you figure yourself out sometimes you feel like you’re close to explode. You wanna tell everyone about it because you’re excited about it and happy to finally feel comfortable with everything but it fades out.” He continued. “You should come out only to those who you know are going to support you and the ones you want to. No need to come out to people you know can be assholes about it.”

“And you can choose what part you want them to know, if you choose the split attraction model. A lot of people just think I’m bi. I think it only ever matters to me and the person I’ll date that I’m demi. I tell my friends who I know are supportive, but everyone else doesn’t need to know.” Minho said.

“That’s very true.” Jisung added. “I go by asexual most of the time because I feel a stronger connection to with in a way. If someone asks about who I’m romantically attracted to I usually just say anyone. So a lot of people assume whatever they want from my romantic attraction and that doesn’t really bothers me.”

“I sometimes don’t even say I’m ace and just say I can fall for anyone and I think some people just might think I’m bisexual.” Jisung explained. “I’m way past caring about things like that though. The labels _really_ matter for me, but for me alone, what others might take away from that it’s on them.”

It hasn’t been that long but Jisung had finally reached the level he wanted with this. People could think whatever the fuck they wanted, his identity wasn’t going to change based on their thoughts and opinions. He knows very well who he is and that’s all that matters.

“Very well said.” Minho told him. “I feel the same way. My parents for example will never know I’m demi. I don’t want to tell them and I don’t think it matters. They know I’m bi and just assume I mean bisexual instead of biromantic and that’s fine by me. I think both sides of my identity are equally important to me, but I choose to let demisexuality aside to several people because I don’t think they need to know it.”

“Another thing that I think it’s important is to understand that people need their own time to process everything.” Minho said. “Sometimes I forget that and it’s not a thing I want to do anymore. You have to know that all of this and everything you felt before was your own process, which can be long and challenging so if you come out to someone you can’t expect them to process it out in ten seconds.”

“I’m in no way saying to excuse hurtful comments and prejudice upon you because you came out, even if they need time to process it, they most definitely don’t need to treat you badly right away because of who you are.” He was quick to add. “The point here is that if they seem off or unsure of how to deal with it, give them time. If they matter to you and you think they’re worth it, explain it to them as you’d explain to a child, if needed. Make sure they understand who you are and how you feel and then let them think everything through.”

“I agree.” Jisung told them. “You spend literally years with those thoughts inside your head and then you figure yourself out in your own pace, if they had no idea that was coming, maybe they just need a little more time to process it.”

Jeongin nodded once more, taking everything in, before he could say something more, his phone vibrated on top of the table. 

Jisung was shocked to see how long they’ve been there, and was now wondering if the others had missed any classes because they lost track of time.

“I have to go now guys.” Jeongin said, getting up in a jump. “My dad just got here and I have this family thing tonight that I almost forgot, but thank you so much for everything. It helped a lot, really, your idea to bring Minho with you was great Jisung, it was nice to hear more about another sexuality in the spectrum.”

Jisung gave him a big smile, god to hear those words from him. “Happy to know it helped out Jeonginnie!”

“Glad me basically monologuing for hours ended up being helpful.” Minho smiled at the younger.

“It really was, thanks a lot Minho.” He grabbed his backpack and rushed to the door, biding them goodbye before running out.

Right after the door closed, before either of them could say anything, it was opened again. Revealing a very confused and surprised Hyunjin.

“It’s literally been all fucking afternoon what are you idiots still doing here?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy pride month everyone! 
> 
> Be gay, do crimes, maybe watch good omens (I’m obsessed with it lol)...
> 
> I’m having a really hard time writing lately... life is also being too much so I’m wondering between possibly putting this on hold, taking my time and just updating when I manage, or rushing some stuff so I can just end this as soon as possible and just not think about it anymore.
> 
> I don’t wanna abandon it, specially because I do have some future parts already written down and I don’t want that and all the work I already put into it to go to waste... so yeah I’m not sure what exactly to do yet but I hope you guys who are still reading this mess can understand <3


	6. My head hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally managed to write so yay...
> 
> **Few warnings:**
> 
> This chapter contains anxiety attacks and some like description of anxiety and depression. So to make sure y’all are safe and good, if you wish to skip it:
> 
>  **[~]** this will appear before and after the description of feeling anxiety and depression, it’s not that heavy.
> 
>  **[!!!!]** and this will appear before and after the anxiety attack.
> 
> Stay safe, love you, hope you enjoy this! Sorry for taking so long I’ve been feeling just like the things in this chapter talk about... so not so great....

Things were going great lately, apart from the crazy amount of college work Jisung needed to do.

It had been a few weeks since the first time Minho joined him on the session with Jeongin and a few days since the last one happened.

The last one Jisung wasn’t part of it though.

In the last one he was there for, Jeongin had a lot of questions and he started to compare the answers between Minho and Jisung, in a way to try and find who he related most with.

And it ended in a light Jisung wasn’t a hundred percent comfortable with. For that reason he told them both to have a session by themselves to talk about it all and he would just sit that one out.

He had already shared those things with Jeongin, and Minho too, so he thought he really didn’t need to be there for comparison.

Jeongin was aware of his boundaries, what he could take and what he could not.

For instance, he knew Jisung liked kissing but not French kissing. That he tried it once and when his tongue met the other person’s tongue he felt somewhat sick of his stomach.

He knew Jisung had a rather high libido, at least for his liking – it was too high he absolutely despised it – and how he had already tried the usual way to deal with it.

Jisung told him about how he tried to masturbate. Not once, but several times, and how it just didn’t work for him. How at some point he thought he was doing it wrong and tried to search more about it but the second he stumbled upon porn he felt like throwing up and he just couldn’t bare to watch it.

He shared how he then stopped trying and just moved on from there, knowing full well this just wasn’t for him. Jisung told the younger a lot of it, all by text, and he just couldn’t do it aloud, specially with Minho in the room.

So the both of them met, Minho told him it went great, that they talked a lot and that he was happy about it.

But that meant it had been a while since the last time he saw Minho and he missed him, more than he wanted to admit.

No one could really blame him for that though. After all Minho was gentle, soft and beautiful. Not only outside but inside as well. 

He was always there to help even when he complained a little bit about it, and no matter what he would always try his hardest while helping others.

Jisung really wasn’t having much time for anything besides college lately, but he still found some time for Minho. At least to text him every day. Some days it was only a couple of texts and others they’d talk nonstop for hours about nothing in particular.

They even managed to get lunch together once. Granted it was purely coincidental as both met at the A&W bellow the Main-Street station without having planned, but it still was very nice.

Jisung actually had just left the other’s college that day, as he went there with Hyunjin to help his friend carry his stuff for his class – it was a lot of art stuff that Jisung had no idea what was for – and Minho was eating there before having class on the afternoon.

After that Jisung kept hoping they’d meet like that again, but it never happened. But perhaps that was good for him, it was much easier to control his feelings when Minho wasn’t right in front of him.

He had started noticing too much stuff about the older and none of it was helping him keep his crush on surface level.

Jisung really didn’t want to end up falling for Minho, that would be a disaster, but it was nearly impossible to avoid such thing.

There was so much to fall for when it came to Minho. Almost too much. 

From his fluffy and bouncy hair that he almost never styled, but when he so much as took his bangs out of his face and showed his forehead, it was already enough to make Jisung’s heart skip a beat.

To his cute nose and the adorable little mole he had on it that for some reason made Jisung soft inside.

His sparkly eyes that the younger could swear held a billion stars inside. How he blinked so often it was cute to watch.

The several different ways he laughed, sometimes with so much joy it was the most beautiful sound in the world. Jisung’s favorite was still the high pitched giggle he let out one day, it made life seem better just by hearing it.

Also the way he would smile at Jisung from time to time, a soft smile that made him feel safe for some reason. 

Jisung had started to notice how his voice would change when he spoke Korean, how it seemed just a bit deeper and uncertain. Minho was definitely bilingual, just like Jisung, but even if he spoke Korean at home with his parents a lot, he still sounded scared he was saying the things wrong.

Minho would stutter more in Korean and take just a second longer to speak. Jisung thought it was endearing.

He knew for a fact his voice sounded more high pitched when he spoke English, so he figure that was something common to happen.

Jisung was storing all these facts inside a folder in his head and it was a bit worrying how big the folder was becoming. He didn’t like to think much about it but the amount of fondness that would invade him whenever he thought about any of those things was also worrying. Very much so.

Truth be told, it was also a challenge for Jisung to keep such thoughts out of his head.

One thing he had swore to himself he would never do again was to repress his feelings and thoughts, but he was second guessing himself in that lately.

Because it wouldn’t end up well if he just let such thoughts fly inside his mind for so long. He knew his feelings would just keep getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger until he wouldn’t be able to ignore it anymore.

The problem also was that he wasn’t entirely sure which path to take form there. He wasn’t sure of what he wanted with that.

Would ignoring it all be easier or only bring him sorrow and make him shove a part of himself away again? Or would it be worse to just allow his thoughts to go wild and free and end up in love with someone who would probably not feel the same for him.

Like any cliche that ever happened, Jisung feared with his entire being ending up losing Minho. He didn’t know him for long but the impact the older had in him was undeniable.

Jisung looked up to him, and not only because Minho is slightly taller than him.

He already did so just by knowing how talented Minho was from what Hyunjin had told him, but after he saw the older helping Jeongin out... it was like he began to see the older in a different light.

He was so much more than Jisung had expected him to be and every word that left his mouth hit Jisung so hard the younger was close to either crying or losing his composure and just hugging Minho every now and then.

This whole feelings thing was very complicated and Jisung really hated it.

But he didn’t hate it all the time.

Because every time Minho would text him anything – from just a hey to a least fifteen photos of his cats followed by another story about them – it would make his day better.

No matter what else he was feeling, when the older so much as texted him, everything else was gone and he could only smile like a fool to his cellphone.

It was a great feeling and it made him really light and happy, which was something he desperately needed at the time.

College tends to always take a tool on him, but this time things seemed a little better because of Minho.

And those things were the reason why Jisung would very often just brush all his worries aside and just allow himself to enjoy those moments, just let himself feel whatever he wanted to feel when it came to Minho.

Because Minho just made him feel really, really great.

So, yeah, things were going great lately.

Unit they weren’t.

*********

Things started to go south when Jisung ended up having another project shoved into his lately full of shit college student life.

This project in specific involved a program he wasn’t very skilled in and never used much before, so he constantly made mistakes and was never satisfied with the end result.

That caused him to spend much more time on this than needed and therefore he would have less time to text his worries away with Minho.

And as he was really busy, he just didn’t have the time to schedule any other appointment with him and Jeongin.

So for a little while there was basically nothing happening in his life apart from college work.

Unfortunately this time around this really took a tool on him and he was just feeling overwhelmed and lost in his own emotions.

 **[~]** It was a really odd feeling and he would be caught crying out of anxiety out of absolutely no where more often than not, what made him super scared of ending up having anxiety attacks again and making his depression get worse.

Jisung can’t really put into words exactly what he was feeling, but some days he would wake up feeling odd. And the day would go by and it was like nothing would make it feel any less odd.

He would do things as he usually does but he would feel far away, almost like he was watching his day from a third person perspective.

At some point in his day he would be smiling, laughing and having fun like there was nothing wrong in the world, but then his mood would drop and he would find himself alone in his room crying for no apparent reason.

This would also mess up a lot of other things in his life.

For instance, Jisung was never the most organized person, but he would never let his room be a gross mess, but once things went bad with his mental health it was like things got just a tad bit worse.

Things would slip up his mind and then one day he would go grab some clothes just to notice he barely had anything left because he hadn’t done laundry in a long while. 

Then he would look at the trash can in his bedroom and realize it was full to the point things would start falling out if he kept piling tem up.

His chair would have more clothes on top of it than usual. His table would be full of things scattered around that usually would be kept somewhere else. His posters would be almost falling off the wall.

And the worst part would be that he would notice these things and do nothing about it because it was like he had no energy left in him to care about any of it.

He would keep the blinds closed all day long and not open the windows nor the doors. If he had any free time at all he would just lie in bed trying to get himself to do anything but nothing seemed good or interesting enough.

Jisung was never sure how bad all those feelings really were. His psychologist didn’t exactly had the full story of how he felt about a lot of things, so sometimes he would be scared that it was worse than he thought it was.

The thing here being that he was so used to feeling like this from time to time that there were times he just thought everyone felt like that.

So he would end up falling in that state once again without even noticing until it was too late. Until he felt a hole in his chest that didn’t seem to be able to be filled.

He would try watching movies, going out for a walk, eating lots of stuff, listening to music so loudly he could barely hear his own thoughts, but none of it would make the feeling go away.

Once he was over with whatever he was doing the void would still be there and he would lose to it from time to time.

Like one day after dinner when he was feeling rather okay. He had arrived home early, eaten with his roommates and had a average okay day.

Until he got inside his room, sat in his chair with the intention of doing absolutely anything, and suddenly his chest felt heavy and his head was foggy and he was crying.

He would try to even out his breathing and make his mind focus on something else and the feeling would go away. **[~]**

After that he would pretend it never happened and life went on. But the thing is. It did happened. And when it happened once, if he wasn’t careful enough, it would happen again.

What brings us to that Tuesday afternoon, when he went to Hyunjin’s college with him once more to help him out with carrying stuff there.

Hyunjin had a project he would be working on for a while and he needed a lot of materials for that. Jisung had delivered one of his own projects recently so his agenda was a bit more free now and in a desperate attempt to not fall into his feelings again, he volunteered to help his friend out.

And he never expected anything to go wrong with that, after all what could possibly happen if he was just helping out a friend, right?

Well, a lot apparently.

Jisung has just left Hyunjin’s stuff in his classroom and bid his friend goodbye, with the full intention of just going back home and perhaps stopping by Tim Hortons to grab something to eat. 

But then the elevator wasn’t coming, Jisung tried to find stairs and he got lost in that awful hospital looking building.

Took him a few turns to find himself again and he just felt so stupid because it really shouldn’t be that hard in the first place.

He got down to the first floor intending to just walk to the station but then his phone beeped and he saw Seungmin had texted him about the grades of the project being up.

And stupid Han Jisung, and his inability to wait for things, just stopped in the middle of the corridor to check his grades in the website.

Not his best idea, specially because that was the project that was giving him a headache lately and making him feel like a absolute failure.

What was considerably confirmed by the grade he got on it.

It was almost passable and he still had a few more stuff that he would deliver for that class, so he could save himself there, but just facing his failure made his whole world shatter.

Suddenly he was back in his bad state of mind, reliving all his failures and cursing his choices that made him end up there. Because it was such a hard – and expensive – road and there he was, fucking shit up.

He couldn’t afford to fail anything. Literally. He had no money to afford retaking any classes if he failed them.

And suddenly a door by the end of the corridor opened and a sea of students came out, a loud mess of people walking past him that made his mind even more unclear and his chest constricted.

He was having a hard time focusing and was simultaneously hyper aware he was standing in the middle of the corridor, literally in the way of all those students.

But for some reason he couldn’t move. His brain wasn’t exactly functioning like it should and his body refused to listen to the small part of his mind that was telling him to move out of the way.

Jisung was just there, standing in the middle of the corridor, still facing the grade on his phone while everything around him seemed so loud yet distant at the same time.

Suddenly someone lightly tapped his shoulder and he involuntarily jumped, turning around so fast he almost lost his balance.

“Someone’s jumpy today.” A soft voice said, with a light chuckle afterwards.

Once things stopped spinning Jisung was able to see who it was. 

Minho.

His presence was enough to spark a reaction out of Jisung. It just wasn’t what the younger was hoping for.

As soon as his eyes met Minho’s, he felt the anxiety unleash.

 **[!!!!]** His eyes watered instantly and he was shaking slightly. His mind a swirl of confused thoughts.

He noticed how the smile left Minho’s face immediately and how concern dominated his features.

Minho was saying something, Jisung could tell because his mouth was moving, but he wasn’t exactly getting it. Too much noise around for him to able to focus.

The older motioned for him to follow him and surprisingly he managed to do it.

His friend guided him into an empty classroom nearby and once the door was closed and the noise of the students were gone, Jisung felt just a tiny bit better.

“Jisung look at me, take a deep breath for me okay?” The other was suddenly in front of him and thankfully this time around Jisung understood him.

He did as told, trying his best to breath as slowly as he could.

“Good! Very good” Minho gave him a nervous smile. “Now is it okay if I touch you or you prefer me not to?”

“I-it’s o-kay.” The younger manager to stutter out, looking down and shutting his eyes close.

“Okay then.” Minho placed his hands on the younger’s arms, making circles on his skin with his thumb. “Keep breathing slowly. In and out. That’s right.” 

Jisung kept doing as told, feeling his body shake a little more. Now that it was relatively easier to breathe, he really started crying.

“It’s okay, cry it all out Sungie.”

Minho was very close to him now, his thumb still creating circles in his arms. Jisung looked up and faced the older, putting all his emotions and distress in his eyes.

His friend held the eye contact and gave him a little smile. “Do you want me to hug you?”

How Minho could tell that was exactly what he wanted, he didn’t know, but he was glad he asked. Jisung nodded eagerly, his tears falling faster than before.

He practically jumped into the other’s arms and just allowed himself to lose it all.

Everything was suddenly too much.

His heart was beating too fast, his head was absolutely killing him, his stomach started to hurt and he felt weak and dizzy.

In that moment he wanted to faint just to not have to feel anything any longer.

He hugged his friend like his life depended on it and in the middle of his sobbing he could hear the older whispering to him to just let it all out, to breathe slowly and that it was okay, everything would be okay. **[!!!!]**

After a while, he calmed down a bit. The previous feelings still taking over his body, but at least he wasn’t sobbing nor shaking anymore.

Minho still held him in his arms for a few minutes more, lightly caressing the back of his head. “Feeling better?” 

“J-just a bit.” He managed to reply.

“Do you want to go back home? I can go with you. I’m not sure staying here is going to help you.” 

Jisung nodded against the other’s shoulder.

They still stood there for a little longer, until Jisung was certain he was able to go.

Once he moved away from the hug, Minho gave him his sweat smile that almost made everything okay.

“How about we go to the bathroom so you can wash your face then we head back to your place? If you want you can hold my hand all the way there and I’ll keep drawing little circles on you to calm you down. What do you think?” Minho was somehow really good at this. At knowing exactly what the younger needed.

Jisung nodded, managing to give his friend a smile. “I’d like that.”

“Great.” Minho smiled back at him, taking his hand on his own and giving it a little squeeze.

It was impressive how that alone grounded Jisung even further, making it easier for him to leave the classroom and follow Minho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have bits and pieces already written for the next chapter so hopefully it won’t take long for me to post it


	7. Anxiety sucks

“How are you feeling now?” Minho asked as they steeped inside Jisung’s room.

Jisung was finally back at his apartment, after a foggy and dizzy train ride home.

The older had been incredibly helpful the whole train ride there and the younger honestly didn’t know how he would have made it if it wasn’t for him.

The anxiety was still running through his veins and the relief he was expecting to feel once he finally arrived in his room just wasn’t there at all.

That frustrated him a little bit.

“Better? I’m not sure...” Jisung replied, taking a seat in his bed and instantly missing the feeling of Minho’s hand on his own, as he was still holding it tight until that moment. “I’m dizzy, my head feels like it’s about to explode, I still feel sick of my stomach and my ears are buzzing.”

“Okay.” Minho paused for a second, apparently taking his time to think something through. “Do you have a drier here?”

The younger frowned, but replied to that anyways. “Yes, the apartment has some on the ground floor.”

“Perfect.” Minho smiled at him, a little uncertain. “Now I’m going to suggest something and you can totally deny if you want.”

“Okay...” Jisung frowned deeper, not sure where exactly this was going.

The older just took a breath before finally spilling out his thoughts. “You should definitely shower to help you ease your mind. As I know you’re still a bit dizzy, I wanted to suggest that you and I both get in there, fully clothed don’t worry, and I can be there until you feel like you won’t fall down. I can also wash your hair for you, I’m really good at it, I can give you the head massage of you life.”

That was definitely no where near what Jisung was expecting his friend to say. Too surprised to even answer, he just kept looking a Minho with a frown.

“I know this might sound weird but I know it’ll help.” Minho explained, sounding a bit more nervous now. “I can borrow clothes after, if that’s okay, and then dry mine downstairs. I’ll wash you hair then leave you to finish showering alone.”

As much as this was something that would never in a billion years cross Jisung’s mind. It sounded great. 

Really great, actually.

He knew he was still dizzy, so maybe spending too long on the shower wasn’t a great plan, but as someone with experience with anxiety, he knew a warm shower would definitely help him ease his mind.

Minho being there to help him out sounded perfect.

“Okay.” He replied.

“You sure?” Minho sounded shocked the younger agreed to that, but there was something else in his voice that Jisung was having trouble figuring out exactly what it was. “I don’t want you to do something you won’t feel comfortable with Sungie.”

“I actually like the idea.”

Minho took a bit to reply, maybe giving the younger the chance to back off if he wanted. But then he gave him a little smile and finally spoke.

“Great.”

After that both of them went to the bathroom. Taking off just their jackets and socks.

It would definitely be a better idea if Jisung just changed into more comfortable clothes and lended some to Minho too, but as he was still very shaky, and a little dizzy, none of them wanted to risk anything.

Jisung’s mind also only provided him this idea once he was done with his shower.

He felt a bit awkward at first and almost told Minho to just forget the idea and leave him to shower alone.

But then he lost his balance for a second after getting into the shower and the only thing that made him not fall was Minho’s hand on his, stabilizing him and making sure he was okay.

He just stood there for a bit, holding the other’s hand on his and letting the water fall down on him.

With his eyes closed, he tried to breathe slowly again and just enjoy the warm water hitting his head and falling down his back.

After a few minutes, Minho started to wash his hair for him and it was odd how that wasn’t odd at all.

It felt right. It felt calming.

The way the older would massage his scalp like he knew exactly what he was doing. Perhaps he really knew and Jisung couldn’t help but wonder why.

It wasn’t time to question anything though, so he just focused on how nice it felt and allowed Minho to just do his thing.

After washing his hair and being truth to his word, giving the younger the best head massage of his life – not that he had any to compare – Minho left him alone in the bathroom.

Making sure the younger was stable enough to stand there by himself before he left and telling him to scream if he needed help.

Jisung finally took his wet clothes off, throwing them in the sink and let he water hit his back for a few seconds more before washing himself.

He had the white shower curtain closed so when he heard a knock on the door he just allowed Minho to come inside to grab his wet clothes and take it to the drier.

“Are you doing okay there?” The older asked before leaving.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good. Stay there for a bit, let the water hit your back, close your eyes and breath slowly and deeply. It’ll help.” Right after saying that Minho left the bathroom.

Jisung did exactly as the older told him to, allowing his body to relax under the water.

Once he was done, he dried himself and put on the clothes he took with him to bathroom. A loose shirt and comfortable sweatpants. Basically the same thing he had left on his bed for Minho to put on.

Also one of the very few clothes of his that were still clean.

He was happy to notice he was feeling lighter now. He wasn’t shaking at all, his breath was even, his stomach was better and the buzzing of his ears was gone.

With a smile on his face, Jisung left the bathroom, his wet hair dripping on the towel he had around his shoulders.

He wasn’t expecting Minho to be sat at his bed once entered his bedroom, as he thought the older would be at the ground floor drying their clothes.

But there he was, looking soft and fluffy and making the smile on Jisung’s face get bigger.

“Want me to dry your hair?” His friend asked, already standing up and walking towards the younger.

Jisung just let it happen, a warm feeling spreading inside of him as he felt Minho take the towel off his shoulders and place it on top of his head, lightly and carefully drying his hair for him.

“Where’s the wet clothes?” The younger asked, still unsure why Minho wasn’t at the laundry unit.

“Your roommate, Felix I think, took to the drier.” Minho answered, and probably knowing what Jisung would reply, was quick to add. “And before you say anything, he offered to do it himself as he needed to do his laundry. No feeling guilty about it okay?”

“Fine.” He grumbled, earning a light chuckle from Minho.

They just stood there until the older was satisfied with how dry Jisung’s hair was.

The younger feeling lighter and more comfortable as the minutes passed, not even noticing how this was Minho’s first time in his place or even his first time meeting Felix.

Also not noticing his roommate was even there when they got inside the place.

His mind wasn’t functioning as it usually does because of his after anxiety attack state. And maybe that was the only good thing that could happen out of that horrible experience because he would certainly be freaking out over Minho being in his apartment otherwise.

After Minho was done with his hair, he just placed the towel at the hangers on the back of the door and sat on Jisung’s bed, motioning for the younger to join him.

The way Minho felt comfortable there even thought it was his first time at the apartment made Jisung happy for some reason. 

His happiness just increased once he really paid attention to Minho wearing his clothes. Without knowing exactly why, that just made the younger feel really warm and fuzzy inside.

“Minho...” He said after sitting by his friend’s side.

“Yeah?”

“This whole thing...” He paused, turning his head to face the other. “I’m feeling way better now.... how did you know exactly what to do?”

The few times people saw Jisung having an anxiety attack, which wasn’t many as he tends to feel it coming and is quick to hide away until is done, they didn’t know what to do.

They would just stay there, usually patting him in the back in an attempt to help him out, and once he was done, they would be awkward and not know what to do.

Once his friend even got annoyed at him for it, so that’s why he tried his best to be alone when it happens.

Minho being there for him in that way was completely unexpected and surprisingly everything he needed.

“My little cousin has anxiety and panic attacks.” The older explained. “I used to watch over her when her dad went out. That was a major thing that worsened her anxiety. She was always antsy about when he’d be back and would sometimes get triggered when he didn’t arrive when promised.”

Minho broke eye contact and starred at one of Jisung’s posters instead. “She lost her mom when she was really young and feared every day something would happen to her dad too. It was heartbreaking. I always did my best to learn how to deal with it.”

“She’s learning how to deal with it better now, but when she was little I used to place her at the bathtub and wash her hair and that would calm her down. I figured I should give it a try with you.” He turned to look back at the younger, beaming at him.

“That’s really sweet and thoughtful of you.” Jisung couldn’t even imagine how complicated that must’ve been.

Minho sighed. “I guess.”

“Can’t believe you had to handle me like a little child.” Jisung joked, hoping it would light the mood a bit.

It helped, as Minho giggled after it. “Hey we are all still kids inside in one way or another.”

“True.” Jisung smiled back at his friend, just looking at him for a while and allowing the older’s presence to ease his mind even further.

After a few seconds like that, with them just softly smiling at one another, Minho got up from the bed.

“I’m happy to see you look better and calmer now Sungie, so do you wanna eat or is your stomach still bad?”

Just then the younger realized he hadn’t had lunch due to everything that happened, his plan of going to Tim Hortons on his way home completely ruined.

“I think I can eat now... can we order chicken?” He hopefully asked Minho.

“You’re not eating fried chicken with a bad stomach Jisung.” The older frowned at him. “Not on my watch.”

“But Min-“ The younger tried to argue, being interrupted before he even had a change to finish Minho’s name.

“No way. We can order chicken skewers and mashed potatoes if you want, that’s a better option.” Minho nodded to himself, probably already knowing exactly where he was going to order food from. “Nothing fried!”

“Fine.” Jisung grumbled. “You’re lucky I love mashed potatoes.”

Minho smiled, satisfied with the outcome and grabbed his phone to call the place.

“Can we have ice cream later?” Jisung asked before the older could order, maybe the place had ice cream too right? He should try his luck there.

“Didn’t you have a sore throat two days ago Han Jisung?” His friend asked.

He had honestly forgot about it himself and suddenly remembered how the very few texts he shared with Minho that week was him complaining about it.

“It’s so much better now Minho, please!!”

Minho stood there for a while, thinking things thought. He then dialed the number and sighed as he placed on his ear. “....fine. But you’re drinking water along with it.”

“Yay!” The younger cheered quietly, while his friend ordered their food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey...
> 
> So it’s been a minute. If there’s anybody out there still willing to read this, sorry for the amount of time it took for this update.
> 
> I actually had this whole thing written for months but as I usually add two to three parts each chapter I didn’t want to update having just one done... but time went on and I couldn’t find the will to add anything else to this.
> 
> So I decided to just update now with what I already had... and to ask for anyone who wants me to keep writing to let me know, I know some people don’t really comment but just a “me” will do if you can...
> 
> I’m unmotivated and life has been hard so just let me know if you still want me to keep this going and I’ll try my best to write more.


	8. *Insert quick montage of moments of them together *

The rest of the afternoon went well, with Jisung feeling calm, more at ease and a little sleepy.

After they finished eating Minho tried to convince him to take a nap as he was yawning every other minute, but the younger refused to do so as he wanted to save his tiredness to night time.

His insomnia is already bad, he just didn’t want to worsen it by sleeping during the afternoon.

For that reason both of them decided to watch something interesting on tv in order to keep Jisung awake.

Wasn’t the best plan and the younger almost fell asleep when the pace of the movie they were watching slowed down.

Felix showed up with both their clothes washed and dry at that time though, screaming for no reason, and that woke him up.

The Australian went out as quick as he arrived, saying he was already late for class and singing the Australian national anthem as he walked out for whatever reason.

Jisung just rolled his eyes at his friend antics and bored out of his mind because of the movie, turned to face Minho. 

“Do you know the Canadian national anthem?” He decided to ask, because why not right?

Minho thankfully didn’t seem annoyed at him talking about random things during the movie. “Just bits and pieces. I think nobody ever tried to teach me and I never tried doing so myself. Do you know?”

“I only know the ‘ohhhh Canada’.” He sang it, making the other chuckle. “I used to sing it to annoy people when I was younger... I’m not sure why. Do you know the Korean one?”

“Less than the Canadian one actually, my parents are big on food and some parts of culture but I wouldn’t say they’re patriotic so I never really learned it.” The older explained.

“I’m not either and I can barely sing a whole phrase.” Jisung admitted.

The school he went to tried teaching it to the students but Jisung was always that kid that would just move his mouth pretending he was singing and hope for the best.

“You got a flag here though.” Minho said, pointing to the little flag collection they had as decoration in the corner of the room.

It consisted of the Korean, the Australian and the pride flag. Hyunjin being responsible for all of them being there.

“Oh that’s Hyunjin’s. He misses home more than me, possibly more than me and Felix combined actually. I don’t really care for flags, do you?” Jisung asked.

Minho shrugged. “Some are nice, but I think I wouldn’t be one to use it as decoration.”

“The only flag that speaks to me is the ace flag, I wanted a small one for my room.” Jisung fell in love with that flag ever since he saw it.

It included his two favorite colors, purple and black, and the rest just came together really nicely and pretty. He really liked it.

“That one is pretty.” Minho agreed. “I like it. I like the bi flag too.”

“Me too. Sometimes I wish I had chosen to identify as biromantic just for the flag.” The younger commented.

“What’s wrong with the pan flag?”

“The yellow. I can’t stand yellow.”

Minho laughed, making something inside Jisung feel warm and content. 

“I think it’s nice. The colors work together.”

Jisung shrugged. “Maybe.... but to be honest sometimes I second guess myself on choosing that label though... and not because of the flag.”

The younger never said that aloud, and maybe he was just babbling now because he was very tired and feeling sleepy, but that was something that crossed his mind more often than he would like it to.

He tries to come off as confident and sure of himself, specially if the subject is his sexuality.

And after trying so hard to find a place to put himself when it came to his romantic attraction, he really does his best to feel confident on his choice. He succeeds most of the times, but it’s hard not to question it sometimes.

Minho turned to him, completely ignoring the movie now. “Really? Why?”

“It’s complicated.” Jisung answered, not sure if his friend really wanted to go down that road now.

He also feared Minho would judge him based on what he would say, because he was very strong about not caring about what people think of him when they talked to Jeongin together for the first time.

The thing here is that Jisung has no fucks to give about what people might assume he is. Bi, pan, whatever else, it doesn’t matter. He is also very aware that whatever they say won’t change who he is and how he chooses to identify as.

But when it comes to what himself thinks of him is a whole other thing. Questioning himself and sometimes allowing hateful comments to get to his head is another completely different matter.

“I’m all ears.” Minho told him, giving him a reassuring smile.

The younger took a deep breath, sat straight on the couch and turned to face his friend. Jisung knew he could trust Minho, or at least he really hoped he could.

“It was a challenge for me to figure my romantic attraction, because I really felt as if my asexuality came in the way of it.” He started, hoping a bit of context would help. “As I mentioned to Jeongin, I feel a stronger connection with being ace than with being pan, so it’s almost like being asexual just turned my mind off to anyone...”

He stopped for a second, trying to organize his thoughts before speaking. “It’s confusing because I felt the same thing towards everyone. I never felt sexually attracted to anyone but whatever else I was feeling was also directed at anyone, so my mind couldn’t tell it meant anything. It’s easier to discern your feelings when it’s clear that what you feel for someone it’s not the same thing you feel towards someone else. I was just feeling the same thing for everyone and I really couldn’t tell what it was.”

When you feel nothing yet feel like you could feel something for everyone it gets confusing. At some point you’re not even sure you could feel anything for anyone.

While questioning his romantic attraction, for a couple of weeks, Jisung heavily considering he was aromantic because he really was having a hard time discerning his feelings.

“The point is,” He tried to end his babbling. “It was hard and very complicated, but after I found the label I felt okay. But then I faced all the discourse about it and I came across people sharing different meanings of being bi than I what I originally had in mind and then I was like ‘maybe this could also apply to me’ but I was already somehow attached to the other label and I don’t know... I felt weird. I felt like I half assed my research and I let the discourse affect me.”

He started to play with his ring, trying to keep his emotions in check. “I knew what they were saying was bullshit and all but... but I started to second guess my choices because of it and you know asexuality already has a lot of discourse so I just felt shitty for choosing two labels that have so much discourse linked to it. Like being bi is already hard enough for several reasons and then I go and choose another label that basically means the same thing but has even more shit being related to it.”

“It’s just frustrating and I feel shitty for it sometimes.” Jisung sighed.

It’s not easy finally figuring yourself out then coming across hateful people online who try their best to be invalidade you and your feelings, who think they have a say in who is allowed to be part of the lgbtq+ community and who’s not.

Jisung wasn’t only facing all the stupid discourse about asexuality but also the stupid discourse around being pan. And on top of that he was seeing people invalidating both parts of his identity.

He knows it’s just hateful people being ignorant and stupid, but sometimes it’s hard to ignore. There are days when all those comments get inside your head and you’re not strong enough to fight them out.

“Sungie,” Minho sighed, making the younger face him. “You should never feel shitty about choosing a label that resonates with you. I know it’s hard to ignore it, but this discourse only happens because of stupid exclusionists who think their opinions are right and everyone else is wrong. They value their opinions too much when it shouldn’t be valued at all. And most importantly, they are no one in this, they have no right to say those things, no right to decide anything about labels and about the community.”

Maybe it was because he had already faced a whole anxiety attack that day, because he was exhausted and because his emotions weren’t really controlled since morning, but Jisung just felt his eyes watering again.

His friend immediately held his hands and squeezed them, making sure Jisung was comfortable with the touch and asking if it was okay. Once the younger nodded, Minho started to caress his hands and that was enough to calm his heart a bit.

“Don’t listen to all that crap Sung. It’s all bullshit coming from stupid people. I mean who died and made them president of the community, am I right?” Jisung chuckled at that, making Minho smile softly at him. “No one did, that’s who.”

The older let go one of of Jisung’s hands to be able to dry the tears that had fallen off his eyes. “Tell me, why did you choose the panromantic label?”

Jisung took a deep breath and a few seconds to control his tears in order to speak.

“Because I read a post online saying something about how it was confusing being panro ace because there was all these beautiful people but you never knew what you wanted to do with them.” He explained. 

“I remember reading that and finally feeling my mind calming down and then I started to understand what was going on. Afterwards I realized the definition of not caring about gender when it came to being attracted to people really spoke to me and that’s why I chose the label.”

Minho smiled brightly at him, making his heart beat a little faster. “See Sungie, you have a very strong reason for it. Seeing that post helped you ease your mind and figure yourself out and that’s great. That’s awesome. You did your research right and you relate to the definition so that’s what matters okay?”

The younger smiled back at his friend, taking another deep breath and trying to ease himself out. “You’re right.”

“Of course I am.” Minho joked. “I chose biromantic because I liked the definition that said I could be attracted to same and different genders. We all have our reasons and they’re all valid okay? Fuck what everyone else may think.”

“That’s how I try to feel about things... doesn’t work all the time though.” 

“You’re doing great Jisung, don’t worry.” The older squeezed his hand once more before letting it go and Jisung immediately missed it. “You’re doing amazing.”

Minho got comfortable in the couch again, giving the younger another smile before facing the tv again.

The younger just sat there for a bit, looking at his friend and taking in everything he told him.

Minho was right, of course he was. Jisung just needed to focus on what the older told him and try to tattoo those words inside his mind.

It’s not always easy, but he can do it, and one day he’ll finally be able to not let those comments get to him. And even if that day doesn’t come, he knows how to fight the comments out so in the end no matter what people say, he knows he’s valid, his identity is valid and they’re just ignorant and stupid.

Jisung doesn’t know where the courage came from, but after getting himself comfortable too and without looking at his friend, the younger asked him:

“Minho... can I hold your hand again?”

He missed the big grin on his friend’s face and the small blush on his cheeks, but he felt Minho’s hand holding his and interlocking their fingers and even if his heart was beating like crazy inside his chest, he never felt more at ease.

*********

After that day Minho made the younger promise him that whenever he felt anxious he would let him know. Saying he would try to be there for him whenever he needed.

Which was proven to be true once Jisung felt bad again a few days later. Even being unable to be close to him because of college, the older texted Jisung and sent him a bunch of cute pictures of his cats and somehow that really helped the younger out.

They became much closer after all that and would meet even more often than before, for the most stupid reasons. 

Like the other day when Jisung called the older just to have ice cream and they ended up on Jisung’s couch with a whole box of it... which they ended in the same day. 

Probably not good for their health but definitely delicious.

_(“Do you want to go downtown for ice cream? I’m going to the Japanese store at Robson for Melona.”_

_“Why are you going all the way there? They sell Melona at Safeway.”_

_“Are you fucking kidding me now?”)_

Or the many, many times when Jisung had cupons for fast-food chains and Minho somehow ended up going along with him.

_(“Whatever you’re doing today, I’m doing with you.”_

_“I’m having lunch at McDonald’s because I have cupons, then I’m printing stuff at the nearby shop with the Chinese auntie who likes me and gives me a discount, transferring money from my card to my bank account and finally doing groceries... are you sure about that?”_

_“Sounds lovely, where do I meet you?”)_

Sometimes they would just meet at the station to ride the skytrain together to both ends. 

Jisung missed driving and sometimes he really just needed to get out of the apartment, so something he would often do was just get inside the train and stay there until it reached both end stations and then go back home.

Minho found out about this and decided to tag along most of the times the younger did it. 

They would always end up getting to sit at the seat by the end of the train that had the window at front and made it feel like they were driving the train.

As there’s only one seat there, Jisung would always be the one sitting there and Minho would either seat by the one close to it or he would just stand next to the younger.

The skytrain has only a few stations underground so the vast majority of the train ride is done outside, which is why Jisung loved doing that so much. It was just a great way to ease his mind and enjoy the view.

_(“I prefer doing this during night time and usually I sit at the back not at the front of the train. It’s nice because you see everything getting far from you and the red lights at the back of the wagon illuminate everything so it looks super cool.”_

_“Why do you only call me to come with you when it’s daytime then?”_

_“Because you’re a good distraction.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“Whenever you’re here with me during daytime I pay less attention to the rails and see less dead animals on it.”_

_“What the fuck Jisung?!”_

_“There’s tons Minho! It breaks my heart when I see it and– holy shit we almost hit a crow oh my god that was horrifying! Do you think it’s okay?”)_

They were having a great time and Jisung was much less anxious lately. It was good that college wasn’t so hard these days as well and things were moving in a nice pace.

That’s why they even finally managed to go to the Queen Elizabeth Park that Minho wanted to take the younger to.

It was definitely better than the other parks Jisung has ever been to. The time of the year being perfect because all the flowers were blooming and the place looked incredibly beautiful and colorful.

_(“This flower is the most beautiful flower I’ve ever seen. I was never that much drawn into flowers but this one is just incredible.”_

_“It’s definitely the prettiest one here, I have to agree.”_

_“It kinda looks velvety, doesn’t it? Like dark purple velvet.”_

_“It actually does. The name is tulipa queen of the night.”_

_“How do you know that?”_

_“I just googled it, Sung.”_

_“Oh... yeah that makes sense.”)_

During that time they managed to see Jeongin and have a couple of sessions with the younger boy as well. Things were moving on better now and most of the sessions would consist of them just sharing some more things here and there.

Jeongin was confident he wasn’t one hundred percent asexual but was still unsure which label he wanted to use, but he was a bit more comfortable with waiting to figure that out.

They talked about romantic attraction as well and Jisung ended up sharing with the younger how he felt with choosing panromantic instead of biromantic. That lead to a whole conversation about discourse that ended with Jeongin cursing exclusionists for twenty whole minutes.

_(“Who died and made them president of the community?”_

_“That’s exactly what I said!”)_

Another thing that happened was the subtle change of how Jisung interacted with Minho and vice versa.

They were much closer now, but in a different way than how Jisung would act with his close friends.

After all Jisung wouldn’t casually hold hands with Hyunjin every now and then. He wouldn’t really let Felix come too close to him and much less hug him every once in a while. Seungmin would never lay his head on Jisung’s shoulder and he definitely wouldn’t do that with his friend as well. Neither Chan nor Woojin would sit so close to him they would brush arms and legs whenever they moved.

All of that only happened with Minho.

For that reason it was safe to say Jisung’s crush on the older had reached its peak, not even any peak, it was like fucking Mount Everest’s peak and whenever Jisung thought about that he would wish he was brave enough to word his silly thoughts out just so Hyunjin could tell him how absolutely ridiculous he was being. 

Maybe that would create some sense inside his mind and he would stop thinking things like that.

Or maybe not. 

Most probably not.

Because Jisung liked it, he really liked all of it and because he is not comfortable with doing that with most people, it was just nice to finally feel comfortable with doing so with someone.

Deep down, past all his discomfort with people being close to him and touching him, he was very touch starved exactly because he wouldn’t feel okay with just anyone being that close to him. So having Minho be that person and finally feeling okay with doing certain things was just really, really nice.

Jisung was just a bit worried about it all, given the fact Minho is demi and knows very well Jisung is ace, the younger was just overthinking about it all. As usual.

Because he knew that the older knew he wouldn’t let just anyone do those things and be that close to him. Minho for sure knew that those things weren’t things that Jisung would be comfortable doing with his friends, so that meant that there was high possibility that the older knew Jisung had a crush on him.

The thought of that being true terrified Jisung, but also made him content because from his own knowledge about Minho, maybe that meant the older had a crush on him too. After all it takes two people to so those things and if Minho felt comfortable doing so with him, maybe that meant something.

He couldn’t tell though because they would never talk about it. Everything just sort of happened and soon enough he found himself in the position he is now.

The only time they even acknowledge the fact, it just ended with Minho trying to make Jisung say his hands weren’t tiny.

_(“I like holding your hands, they’re soft.”_

_“I like holding yours too, they’re small, it’s nice.”_

_“My hands are not small, Jisung.”_

_“Yes they’re are. They’re tiny, it’s quite cute.”_

_“You take that back right now.”)_

It was all great. They were closer, much more comfortable with each other and definitely happier and that was nice, really nice. 

The only problem was that Jisung wasn’t sure of how to move on from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello... I’m back sooner this time!
> 
> Life is difficult, but the comments on the last chapter really sparked my will to write again and I managed to get this together this week to post it!
> 
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who commented, it really helped and you guys are really sweet! Thank you to everyone who reads this! I can’t make promises but just know I won’t give up on this <3 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	9. Author’s note

Hey everyone, 

Long time no see...

I want to be completely honest here and just get some things out of my chest. 

Life has been very very hard for a long while now. Lost my grandma in the beginning of September what absolutely crushed me because I was very close to her and she basically helped raising me and looked after me since I was a kid. It was even harder to deal with as I’m not back in my hometown and hadn’t spoke to her in more than a year as she was losing herself to her sickness. I felt like utter shit and it was hard to move on from there.

Then I got a job in October and basically let my anxiety get the best of me and overworked myself in fear of not being able to keep the job, which I really need if I want to keep living here and not go back to my home country, what I desperately don’t want to happen. 

One thing led to another and my anxiety got to the worse peak ever. Watched joker with my friend and that triggered me, I started to feel my chest burning and as it never happened before I was really scared and freaking out. Went to the doctor a bunch of times, took a bunch of meds and did some tests and apparently it’s related to anxiety and I’m having panic attacks.

I always had anxiety attacks and I know how those feel, but in my mind I also knew what panic attacks felt like. Turns out, I didn’t. What I used to classify as panic attacks were just anxiety attacks that were worse than my usuals.

I had a few panic attacks till now and they suck so much more than I thought they did. And they make my stomach go bad and my chest hurt for days what increases my anxiety because I’m still scared of it being something else, something worse.

I’m on antidepressants and anxiety meds and they were helping until that dreadful day on our fandom that I would rather not talk about cause it’s still fresh and I still cry often because of it. 

That made my anxiety spike again, what made the doctor double my meds, what was helping until I felt it all again yesterday and had a full anxiety attack after not being able to kill a stupid mosquito in my room and getting frustrated at it...

I’m sharing this cause I need to put it all out and as I haven’t been able to write, what usually helps, I decided to just write it all down like this instead of in like “fanfic format”.

But the real reason I’m sharing this is because projecting my shit onto my characters always was my way of dealing with some stuff and I wanna do that again. 

I don’t have much free time as I’m working full time, have a freelance project going on and I’m volunteering too (it’s a lot I shouldn’t be doing it all, I know) but I wanna write some stuff out and I just wanted to give a little sneak peek of where I’ll be taking this story, it was supposed to be lighter and more focused on asexuality but life got in my way and I just need to go deeper into anxiety and stuff in hopes this will help me somehow.

I just wanted to ask you guys, if there’s still someone out there who wants this to continue, if it’s okay if I go in that direction. The fic will still be very much related to asexuality cause that’s who I am and I like writing about it but it’ll be heavier on all the anxiety stuff and deal with loss because I need closure that I don’t know how to get.

Please let me know what you think, I know the timing couldn’t be worse on my part and that things are still hard for us but I just wanted to share this and go back to writing because I’m hoping it’ll help me. 

I wanted the fic to be lighter and maybe write something to share some light into the darkness but I don’t think I’m able to do that now.

I hope you’re all safe and doing good, or as good as we can right now given the circumstances. 

Love you guys and thank you for everything so far!

Also, nine or none forever.


	10. Barbaridade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Barbaridade = barbarity
> 
> For the dictionary:  
> 1\. extreme cruelty or brutality  
> 2\. absence of culture and civilization 
> 
> For my grandma:  
> 1\. way to express surprise  
> 2\. her own way of going: _“oh my god”_  
>  3\. can be used in literally every single situation: _”barbarity... did you heard the news? there was a murder” “barbarity! your jeans have holes in it” “there’s nothing good on tv these days, barbarity”_  
>  4\. can be traded for _“mas será o Benedito ou o caminhão dele” (but could it be Benedito or his truck)_ whenever you feel like it, but more commonly used when you want to express discontentment or annoyance in your surprise. don’t ask, I don’t get the meaning either lol

_For my grandma. I love you and I miss you. So much_

When Jisung first read the text he almost didn’t believe it.

Of course he had no reason to doubt his father words, but he so desperately wanted them to not be true that he was almost keen to dismissing it entirely and going back to what he was doing before he checked his notifications.

With a deep sigh he read it all again, the extensive text that explained how his grandma had been admitted to the hospital a few days prior and hand’t been able to make it.

Emptiness filled him up fast this time around, as he let each word sink in.

 _Not her. Why her?_ He thought, as he threw his phone on the bed and his eyes filled up with tears.

Jisung wouldn’t say it caught him off guard, after all he did went back during the holidays to her birthday because he knew she was losing herself to her sickness for a long while now. 

And he can say he is fairly more aware of death than most people seem to be. What sounds awful, and it is, but this was something he never really gave much thought about.

Not until one day when he was talking to Felix a few weeks after they first met and the other boy told him about his grandfather passing away, how it made him more aware of things like death and mortality, how it kinda hit him how it can happen to anyone, anytime.

Jisung was always aware of that, having lost so many people in his life since he was a kid. It rather sickeningly became something he was somehow constantly aware of.

He used to be so aware of it that it would terrify him whenever his parents, friends or family wouldn’t answer his calls, texts or would not arrive when promised. 

It’s something that never really went away, but he was better at dealing with than before. 

Still, this time around it somehow felt unreal.

Maybe because he was far away from home, hadn’t seen his grandma in a while now and wasn’t there to experience everything first hand.

Or maybe it was because his grandma was this constant in his life every since he was little, this strong figure who seemed able to take it all and never falter.

Jisung heard many, many stories from his grandma. About her times as a kid and a teenager and the horrible stuff she went through. And apart from all of that awful things that happened to her, she was so resilient, cheerful and full of life that... well, that he couldn’t imagine her without it. 

Without life.

The mere thought of it made him sick and he got up from the chair and sat on the floor, pressing his back against the cold wall and sobbing his heart out.

He was shaking and crying every drop of tear he had in his body. Thankful for the fact he knew he was alone at the apartment, as he wouldn’t want to explain what had happened to his roommates in that moment.

At least he wouldn’t have to attend the funeral. Feeling grateful for that made him feel guilty but he is still haunted by the image of his other grandma lying there when he went to her funeral years ago. 

He doesn’t think he can ever do anything like that again. 

It was his first and only funeral, as he skipped the others for his grandpas and other family members when he was a kid. He thought maybe going would give him closure but it only made it worse.

So he was at least grateful that he wouldn’t be able to attend this time. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Sat there on the floor, still sobbing and having difficulties with breathing as he did so, Jisung reached for his phone, unable to think of how to reply to his father.

They aren’t really close, their relationship is rather complicated, but it was his mother after all so maybe Jisung should say something.

He couldn’t bring himself to do it though and just stared at the phone for twenty whole minutes, watching the minutes pass as he cried and tried to think of something to say.

In the end his reply was rather vague, but full of pain. His dad telling him to be safe and he saying the same in return and that was it.

He didn’t know if he was glad his parents didn’t call him to talk about it. Because what good would it do? They would just end up hearing him sobbing through the phone. But also, he felt like he needed someone at that moment and he felt so completely alone.

Even more so as it sunk into him that his grandma was never going to be there for him again.

And fuck it hurt. It hurt so bad Jisung didn’t know what to do with himself. 

As the minutes passed it started to feel more and more real. 

He started to realize that he would never see her again, would never talk to her again, and that hit him like a brick.

All the times he stayed at his grandma’s house coming back to him, all the times she would show up at his place with ice cream telling him she missed him, all the times she would cook for him, all the delicious food she made, all the silly jokes she would tell him, never once failing to make him laugh.

The spare room at her place that Jisung would sleep at pretty much once a week, all the long conversations he had with her, telling her all about his dreams and how she would encouraged him, all about how he would show her how far away Canada would be when he started to plan everything out and she would ask him “but it’s so far are you going there and coming back everyday?” and how that would make him giggle and then proceed to explain that there was no way he could do that.

Most recent times came to mind. About how she wasn’t able to cook anymore for a while now, how every time Jisung would go to her place there would be a caretaker over, how he knew them all and they would chat all together, how even the caretakers would encourage him on his dreams.

How once the caretaker wasn’t able to make it at night, so Jisung watched over his grandma, feeling utterly terrified once he woke up in the middle of the night after hearing her fall on the floor of her bedroom. How he helped her up, and took care of her until morning when his uncle came over.

How when he went back to Korea and saw her again after so many months she remembered him, but couldn’t place from where, thinking he was barely a “good friend” of hers. How that hurt a lot when he heard but how he then felt better once after telling her he was her grandson, she wept in happy tears and grabbed his hands telling him how glad she was of that because she loved him so much. 

It was hard seeing her almost lose herself, lose what made her who she always were. To see how she couldn’t remember so many things and how life was getting hard on her. Still, even then, she still made Jisung feel better just by being near her. 

His grandma always had this aura around her that made everything feel okay. She always talked with a calm and collected voice that brought him peace, it was like nothing could ever go wrong in the world.

She was there for him in times nobody else were and he was so thankful for everything she did for him. For all the love she gave to him, and could only hope he had done enough back.

The thought of never seeing her and talking to her again was crushing his very soul, making impossible for his sobs to stop. 

He remembered how his father had told him about her just the week before. About how it was becoming harder for the caretakers to look after her and she was moved into a home. How she would still find it odd and would, as expected from her as she always did so when she left her place, would keep asking when she was going back home, if anyone could drive her back.

How she had forgotten everyone by then, not even remembering Jisung’s uncle, who until then was the only one she never forgot. 

Jisung felt so bad when he heard those things, so mad at this stupid disease that was doing this to his grandma.

He knew at least she was finally resting now, which was better for her. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.

She was always “doing very well for her age” and for some reason Jisung just assumed she would just... keep doing well forever. 

He faced the picture of her his dad had sent the week before. His vision was blurry due to his no stopping tears, but he could still see it pretty well.

She was sat on a wheelchair in what he assumed was the garden of the home she was in, smiling sweetly and shyly at the camera – she never liked having her picture taken. Her gray hair was full of bobby pins and she was wearing a familiar yellow shirt Jisung could swear was older than him.

He was going to miss her so, so, _so_ fucking much.

In a last loud sob, Jisung closed his eyes, placed his phone aside and hugged his legs, placing his head on top of his knees and letting the feeling of loss pretty much consume him.

And to think his biggest problem before was how to deal with his feelings for Minho. That seemed really silly now.

*********

Jisung doesn’t have very good coping mechanisms. He usually ends up not sleeping, not eating, not doing anything at all.

Or doing something reckless and really stupid.

This time around it was a sick mix of it all.

After receiving the news, he pretty much just sobbed his day away. Avoiding his roommates and crying himself to sleep. Not great.

Lucky for him the following day was Saturday, what meant he could wake up by midday and just stay in bed all day, what is exactly what he did.

He ate a cereal bar as lunch and just felt like shit during the entire day, locking his door, avoiding his roommates who knocked on it to invite him out and ignoring his notifications.

He should probably talk to someone, but he refused to. Almost feeling like if he told anyone what had happened, there was no turning back, like it would make it even more real.

So when Minho texted him to ask how he was, he lied. Told him he was super busy, like he told his roommates, and went on with his day.

He only had dinner because Hyunjin ordered pizza and wouldn’t stop knocking on the door until he opened it to grab the plate.

Jisung was good at faking his emotions though, so when he beamed at his friend and told him he was now just going to eat and sleep after being busy all day, Hyunjin believed him and let him be. 

The following day was when he made a reckless and stupid decision. 

It didn’t seem like it at the time he thought about it though. In fact, he was proud of himself for thinking of something so great.

Jisung forced himself out of bed at midday, ate a toast with butter and left the apartment to get some fresh air and walk around. 

Trying to clear his mind, he went to the waterfront station, walked to the nearest Tim Hortons for a chocolate cookie and an IceCap and walked from there to Stanley Park.

The view, the music sounding on his earphones, and the walk seemed to be helping and he genuinely smiled for the first time since he got his dad’s text.

Once he reached the park he just kept walking though, following the path that was close to the water that surrounds the entire place.

The thing here is that the park is really, really big. Jisung had been there before but he failed to notice how the further you got, the harder it would be to go back.

In his mind, he figured the road that was by the side of the sidewalk he was walking on would just constantly be there, and that when he was tired he would check the map and catch a bus at the nearest stop. Much like he did the time before.

One thing he forgot about though was how the stop he got the bus the previous time was clearly the final one – or the first, depending on the direction you’re thinking about – what meant that it would probably be harder to find another one the further he got into the park.

He just kept going and going and going.

Walking past so many people, so many different things, so many different spots.

He would occasionally stop to take pictures or just to take in the view and take a deep breath.

It was going great and when he noticed that there was nearly no one else walking, just a lot of people biking in the direction he was going to, he paid no mind to it.

He had been walking for hours now and he finally hit the spot of the path that was located underneath the Lions Gate bridge and he felt static. 

The bridge was imposing and beautiful and he took a bunch of pictures of it, feeling like he made it there just in the right time as a cruise ship passed under it and gave him some really cool shots.

Jisung was feeling lighter and better now. So he just kept walking. Completely dismissing how the road wasn’t in sight anymore, there was no one else walking near him, and he couldn’t tell when the path would meet the road again, as now by his left all he could see was a long and tall sea wall.

He assumed he would see something else after making the first left turn, but was just met by more sea wall.

As there was no other alternative, as he knew how long he had walked and how far the bus station he knew was now, he kept going.

And going. 

And going.

Until he started to feel tired and decided to take a seat on a bench. Feeling this would help his tired legs and put him in a brighter mood again.

He watched the water move, the birds fly around and stop on the rocks nearby, and the cyclists ride along the path.

In an attempt to see how further away he would have to go, Jisung grabbed his phone to check the maps and... no signal.

Great.

He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, shaking his head and standing up right away. 

This didn’t matter. It was fine. He could just keep walking and soon enough there was bound to be another bus stop. He would make it there and go back home. Everything would be fine. He was fine.

So that’s what he did. 

Kept walking.

Kept walking until his legs started to hurt really badly, his head as well, his stomach grumbling angrily at him and reminding him how he hadn’t eaten anything valuable that whole day or even the day before.

The sun was close to setting now. How long had it even been? How far had he even walked?

His throat felt impossibly dry and he started feeling week and dizzy. His mind spinning inside his head.

He was now looking around, thinking if he were to pass away there, would anyone help him? Could the cyclists take his body to anywhere and get him a doctor or anything? Would he need to stop one of them and plead for help?

Shaking slightly now, Jisung felt terrified. He was so fucking stupid.

Soon enough he found himself walking near a beach, full of people having fun. At least there would be more people to save his reckless ass if he fell down in the middle of the path now.

He was quick to check his phone, feeling mildly relieved to see he had signal now. But opening the map just caused him more distress, as he saw the next bus stop was a whole forty minutes walk away.

Fuck, there was no way he would be able to do that without passing out.

Right then though he spotted a little house and walked towards it, feeling grateful once he saw it was bathrooms and a drinking fountain.

He was quick to drink a lot of water and almost cried of joy at the feeling of his dry throat going away.

After that he used the bathroom and ended up throwing some water on his face, trying to keep himself calm.

He walked outside, sat in one of the free picnic tables and faced the parking lot full of cars in front of him.

Should he ask for a ride back? At least to the bus stop or the skytrain station. Would anyone give it to him? Could anyone tell how desperate he was?

He checked the map again and saw that he could go to another bus stop if he walked on the trails in the woods of the park. That was only sixteen minutes away so it was way better.

Jisung decided to sit there for a bit though, hoping the water now in his system would help him out even if just a bit. 

After what he deemed necessary, he got up from the table, and walked towards the trail.

He could do this. Sixteen minutes was okay. All good.

But then he got in there, inside the woods. 

No one else was walking there, it was getting a little darker and all he could see was trees and more trees and his legs were hurting so bad he wanted to cry. His whole body feeling weak and his mind making him feel dizzy.

He started to wonder if anyone was going to find him there if he passed out in the trail. No one knew he was there, if he went missing they wouldn’t know where to begin looking for him.

It’s okay. He could still do this.

He was walking slowly and trying to keep his breathing and his mind under control. Until he heard a noise and abruptly looked to his left, seeing an owl staring back at him.

He couldn’t do this. He most definitely could not do this.

The owl made a noise and it seemed so much bigger than he thought it would be. Without second guessing he turned back around and practically ran outside of the trail back to the beach, his legs screaming in protest. 

He took a seat at the same picnic table and started to wonder what the hell was he going to do now.

He saw the public rental bikes further down the parking lot and once he felt recuperated from the run, he walked over to check it.

It would be less time to the bus stop or the skytrain station if he went by bike.

He was considering it, even creating an account for it on his phone and ready to pay for the hour, once he noticed the warning sign asking the users to have helmets on when riding the bikes.

Shit. He obviously didn’t have a helmet. Not now, not ever to be honest.

And okay maybe it was more of a suggestion and he spotted people riding it without helmets plenty of times and he never used any safety gear when riding a bike before but still, it seemed risky now.

What if someone saw it and he got like a fine or whatever, he doesn’t know how Canada works. 

But more importantly, what if his body actually gives up on him and he faints while riding it, without a helmet he could get hurt pretty bad. He wouldn’t be able to make himself risk it.

So he walked back to the picnic table and sat there. Putting on his hoodie that had been tied around his hips the whole time, and trying to think of something.

It was getting darker now, the sun was already set and the air was getting cold.

He spotted a few families going back to their cars and wondered if he should ask for a ride.

Once he heard a few people speaking Korean nearby he wondered if they would help him out if he plead to them in his mother tongue.

Maybe he could call for a taxi, it couldn’t be much just to drive him to the station right?

He sighed and took a look at his phone. Spotting Kakaotalk and deciding that maybe he could try something else. Maybe he should finally reach out to someone.

So without thinking much, he opened it and sent a text, hoping this would work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of this was based on what I really did... I really walked for hours, and I don’t know how I didn’t pass away right then and there. I wasn’t thinking much... ended up crying while I was sat there waiting for the taxi to take me to the station then rode the train back home. It was really awful.
> 
> Thank you everyone for the comments last chapter, you’re all so nice I can’t thank you all enough <3


	11. Soonie, Doongie, Dori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey... 
> 
> so it’s been a while, again, and I’m sorry
> 
> life has been hard still, very much so. went from overworking to unemployed so yeah... very, very, hard.
> 
> current status is: trying my best to not succumb to depression and well... not doing very well in that department.... and very much anxious, to the point I’m just happy my meds are keeping my panic attacks in control, although the same cant be said about my usual anxiety attacks.
> 
> but enough about me and my fucked up mental health... here’s what I managed to write because I really needed some distraction for the mess of emotions I’m feeling. 
> 
> sorry for being a bummer. this one is lighter than the previous chapter but also much shorter than all the others... I hope you all enjoy it!

Once Jisung saw Minho behind the wheel he hoped he would feel more relieved than he actually ended up feeling.

He still felt silly for texting him in the first place, but was lucky that the older said he could borrow his dad’s car and be there as soon as possible to pick him up.

So there he was now. Inside a dark gray car that Jisung couldn’t possibly know the name or brand of, looking at the younger with worry clear in his face for some reason.

Oh right, he probably noticed the tears. 

The tears that had been falling off Jisung’s eyes for several minutes now, making him feel stupid for crying out in public like that, sitting all alone at a picnic table near a beach full of people having fun.

The older was probably about to get out of the car and go to Jisung, but the younger was faster and got up in a jump, rushing to the car and getting on the passenger seat.

“Jisungie... what happened?” Minho sounded even more worried than he looked and for some reason that made Jisung want to cry harder. 

But he didn’t. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that he only texted Minho that he was at the third beach too tired to walk to the bus stop and asking if he knew any taxi numbers, to which the older just replied he would pick him up himself.

Minho knew nothing about Jisung’s grandma, or the fact he felt week as fuck after walking for so long with pretty much an empty stomach, and the younger didn’t feel strong enough to say anything now. 

He simply buckled up, sniffed a couple of times and stopped crying, giving Minho a look that he hoped conveyed how he didn’t wanna talk about it.

“Okay, we can talk later, just answer me one thing before I drive away please,” Minho said. “Are you hurt? Did someone did something to you?”

Jisung shook his head. “No, it has nothing to do with anything like that.”

Minho seemed just a tad bit relieved with his answer. “Okay, good.”

And with that he drove away from the beach, letting Jisung just stare outside and mope for a bit.

He was still feeling very week but it was enough to be sitting and knowing he didn’t have to worry about how the hell he would get home.

After a few minutes the younger felt a hand grabbing his and caressing it lightly. He was quick to look at their hands intertwined and feel his heartbeat going erratic, but in a nice way this time.

Being around Minho was good, it made him feel at ease, and maybe that’s exactly what he needed right now.

On top of that, after all the hurt and grief his heart was filled with, it was really nice to receive some affection and have someone take care of him. He knew Minho would be up for doing that so he took a deep breath and faced the older.

“I haven’t eaten anything healthy for,” He stopped, not sure himself of how long it had been. “A while. Can we... can we grab something?”

Minho looked at him just for a second before looking at the road again. “I’m not happy to hear that because you need to eat right, but of course we can.”

And that’s how they ended up on Minho’s bedroom floor, eating korean food that Minho got for them in their way to the older’s place.

Minho’s parents were out to some family thing the older didn’t want to go, so it was just the two of them, and Minho’s three absolutely adorable cats, on the apartment.

This was the best decision Jisung could’ve had. At the sight of the cats he lighted up immediately and felt lighter than he had since he got the news.

Minho had to drag him away from petting the cats – all three of them at the same time, how Jisung even managed to do so it’s complicated to explain but it did involve his feet on one of the the cat’s belly – so they could finally eat.

The cats were prohibited to get inside the room for now, otherwise Jisung just wouldn’t eat, so it was just the two of them siting against the wall and trying their hardest to not spill anything on the wooden floor.

The room was ten times prettier and more organized than Jisung’s, with everything neatly put where it supposed to go, fluffy covers and tons of pillows on the bed and pretty warm lights glued to the top of one of the walls, making it feel cozy.

Jisung could see a bunch of fluffly hoodies, sweaters and jackets inside the opened wardrobe and some art supplies tucked neatly into boxes in one corner. It was very Minho-like and the younger really liked it.

But what he liked most about it was the smell of Minho’s perfume that absolutely infested the room in the best way possible. Being inside felt like hugging Minho and the feeling was really nice.

Even nicer with Minho himself close by his side occasionally feeding him even though he was more than capable of eating by himself. 

The only thing that seemed to be missing was somewhere the cats could sleep inside the room. 

“Your cats don’t sleep in your bedroom?” Jisung asked, cheeks filled with food.

Minho smiled sweetly at him. “Not really. Their beds are on the living room because sometimes I have to do projects inside my room until late at night and it smells like paint for hours on end and I don’t think they should be inhaling that much paint you know.”

“If they shouldn’t then you shouldn’t either.” Jisung pointed out.

“I’m used to it.” Was the simple reply, that Jisung couldn’t really refute as Minho was quick to stuff his mouth with more food.

He tried to pout, what didn’t work at all with the absurd amount of food he had inside his mouth, and ended up just glaring at the older.

Minho giggled cutely at him. “You look adorable.” 

“Shuu’p” Was what came out instead of ‘shut up’ what only made the other giggle again.

Once Jisung finally got his mouth free of food he started talking again. “It’s been a while since I had korean food like this. Thank you I really needed this today.”

“Always here when you need me Sungie, I mean it.” He replied giving the younger a look to assure he got it. Whenever he needed, Minho would be there for him in a heartbeat. Knowing that made his hurt heart feel warmer.

“Thanks Minho.” 

Jisung smiled at the older and was grateful to feel his weakness had faded away and he was feeling okay now. 

Once they were done with the food, Minho got all the boxes and left to throw it away, leaving the door open behind him, what made one of the cats get inside.

It was the smaller one, the only one who didn’t have orange fur. Jisung beamed widely and tried his best to make the cat go to him.

When Minho got back to the room he was greeted by Jisung playing with the cat by waving his hoodie string near its face. The cat was trying to catch it with its tiny paws and the scene was just really cute.

That’s why the older was quick to snap a picture of it with his phone, making Jisung look at him with wide surprised eyes.

“Did you just take a picture of me?”

Minho nodded beaming at him. “You playing with Dori just looked really cute, I had to.”

And Jisung let that slide just because he had finally remembered the name of the cat – he knew the older had told him over text already but his memory isn’t the greatest –so instead he was quick to coo at it. “So you are Dori? You’re so cute Dori I’m gonna steal you from Minho.” 

And before he could pick the cat up and hold it close to his chest, Minho did so.

“Get your filthy hands away from my child, you didn’t even remember their name. You don’t deserve them.” 

Jisung just pouted, happy he was able to do it this time around. “My memory is shitty, I barely remember what I ate yesterday. I never met your cats before, it was hard to remember it okay.”

Minho was still glaring at him, but then another cat came inside, immediately going to Jisung and starting to purr once the younger petted it’s head.

At that sight the older just couldn’t stay mad. “Fine,” he grumbled. “I guess if Soonie likes you I’ll forgive you.”

Jisung smiled widely at that and was quick to pick the cat up, hugging and cooing at it. “You’re so adorable Soonie! I’m glad you like me cause I already love you.” 

Minho smiled at Jisung and once the younger screamed “Doongie! The other is Doongie then! Doongie come here, come here cutie.” he just smiled even harder and joined him on trying to get the lazy cat to come to them.

They failed, as Doongie just spared them a look before laying sprawled on its bed and ignoring them after, but at least they tried their best.

Jisung felt so much better, being with Minho, eating korean food, playing with cute cats, this was the best distraction ever and it was great to laugh and mean it after feeling so much sadness for the past days.

When the older invited him to sleep over, claiming it was already quite late and he was just too lazy to drive Jisung to his place, the younger immediately agreed to it.

It seemed the best way to avoid falling back into the state he was before, so he didn’t even try to argue against it.

He knew he needed to tell Minho what happened, but not now. That could wait until morning.

For now he would just play with the cute cats, help Minho assemble the spare mattress on the floor for him to sleep and fall asleep to the sound of Minho blabbering nonsense in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look I love soonie, doongie and dori with my whole heart but I don’t know their gender and they’re animals so I doubt it matters to them so they’re now non-binary in this fic and I’ll be addressing them as such, thank you and good night lol
> 
> happy holidays everyone hope you have a good time!


	12. It’ll be alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! I managed to get this little chapter written before the end of the year as one last thing I wanted to accomplish before the year ended.
> 
> I said before I won’t be giving up on this story and I mean it but I think maybe from now on the chapters will most likely be shorter cause it easier for me to deal with it like this and I can managed to update more frequently.
> 
> hope you enjoy and happy new year!

The sound of a door closing made Jisung wake up and once he opened his eyes he was taken aback by Dori’s face being just a few centimeters away from his.

“You scared me Dori!” He exclaimed, fast to pet the cat’s head, who meowed cutely at him.

Dori then got up on the mattress, curling up on top of Jisung’s belly.

The boy sighed taking his time to wake up properly and reminding himself he had slept over at Minho’s.

Speaking of which, was nowhere to be found.

Jisung glanced all around the room but the older wasn’t there, what explained the door closing and the cat now being inside the room.

He heard a conversation happening outside and smiled a bit when the familiar sound of korean words hit his ears. 

_”Do you understand korean Dori?”_ He asked the cat. _”Are you a bilingual cat?”_

The cat meowed at him again and he took that as a yes.

 _”You’re a very smart little cat then.”_ He continued, going back to petting the cat on top of him.

The door opened and Minho got inside the room, beaming at the younger. “Glad to see you’re already awake, saving me the trouble of waking you up, but why are you talking to Dori in korean Sungie?”

“I was trying to see if they were bilingual too.”

Minho chuckled. “At this point I think all of them are. Mom usually talks to them in korean and they seem to get it, I guess.”

“You have very smart cats Minho.”

“They got it from their dad.” He replied with a smug smile.

Jisung only rolled his eyes and sat up, picking the cat and snuggling it close to his chest. “Sorry to bother you Dori but I have to get up now.”

The cat seemed to understand it and was quick to jump off his arms and walk close to Minho, who opened the door for them to walk out.

“You too Jisungie, off the room you go, breakfast is ready.”

The younger whined but was quick to stand up, flatten his messy hair while taking a quick look at the mirror on Minho’s bedroom wall, and followed his friend out of the room.

Meeting his parents went better than he expected. Older people always liked Jisung for whatever reason and it was great to go back to talking in korean for a little while.

Minho’s parents were delighted to know he was from Korea and even started to shot some questions at him at how were things going over there as it’s been close to nine years since they last traveled back, as most of the family had immigrated now too.

Jisung told them all he could and also spent a while just praising the food and thanking them for cooking it. There’s nothing better than homemade korean food.

Minho’s mom got overly excited about being complimented and even started to explain how she cooked some of the dishes.

He didn’t want to tell her he didn’t know know how to cook, so he just listened intently to her speaking.

It was all going great until he said something without thinking. _“I think that’s how my grandma cooks this too... I mean... how she- how she used to cook it, I guess.”_

He felt his heart clenching and the table go quiet. 

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder. He looked up on a jump and was met by Minho looking at him with worry laced on his features.

“Is everything okay Sung?”

“I-I,” He tried to speak but the words weren’t coming out. He turned to look away but was met by two other faces mirroring Minho’s expression and this was all too much.

He felt his eyes being filled with tears once again and was quick to get up from his seat. _”I’m sorry, if you’ll excuse me.”_

And off he went to Minho’s bedroom, siting on the older’s bed and bringing his legs close to his chest.

Fucking hell. He just wanted to curl up and cry until he fell asleep again, but before he could the door opened and Minho got inside.

“Sungie,” He said, taking a seat next to the younger. “Do you want to talk now?”

Jisung shook his head, crying silently and hugging his legs.

The other sighed. “Okay, I’ll be here for when you’re ready, but can I hug you at least? I hate seeing you like that.”

The younger slowly let go of his legs and nodded. Minho was quick to bring him close and hug him, caressing his back.

It was like he couldn’t hold it in any longer so Jisung just started sobbing his eyes out and held onto his friend for dear life.

“It’ll be alright Sungie, you’ll be okay. I’m here for you.” 

And the more he felt Minho’s care for him, the more he cried. 

It wasn’t bad though, obviously it wasn’t good too, but it was pretty much something he really needed. To let it out once more but this time around with someone giving him support and caring for him.

For some odd reason it was rather nice to just let himself lose it in Minho’s arms, while the older tried his best to ease down his pain.

He isn’t quite sure how long he cried for, specially because he did end up falling asleep on his friend’s arms.

Once he woke up he had a fluffy cover on top of him and Soonie was sleeping by his feet. 

The room was quite dark as it was raining outside and the lights were off, but he caught sight of Minho sitting on the mattress in the floor, playing with Doongie while Dori slept close to him. 

He beamed lightly at the sight and just kept watching it for a while. Minho was wearing a brown fluffy coat and he looked stupidly adorable like that.

Jisung tried to just focus on his feelings for the boy for a bit, keeping everything else on the back of his mind for the time being.

Every day that passed he liked the older more and more. It’s been a couple of months now ever since they first started helping Jeongin out and Jisung couldn’t see his life without Minho anymore.

This was weird to think about. The younger had a sort of relationship a while back and even if things were quite good, it was so different. He never felt like he was feeling now, never felt so much for anyone.

Minho was just hard not to fall for and he knew that was exactly what was happening. He was falling in love with him and that scared him. That scared him a lot.

But it was somehow easier to think about that now than to face everything else that was going on in his life at that moment.

And something inside of him kept telling him that maybe Minho felt the same. He wasn’t sure and much less sure about knowing if the other was falling for him too, but there’s one thing he was almost certain of.

There was a high possibility that Minho liked him back, as more than friends, as in having feelings involved. Maybe feelings not as strong as Jisung’s but there was definitely something there.

Because he knew Minho, he knew a lot about him from everything they talked out with Jeongin and he knew that he, much like Jisung himself, wasn’t one to treat his friends like he was treating Jisung.

Granted Minho was a bit more carefree in some aspects and wold hug his friends and things like that, but he never went to the same lengths with them as he did with Jisung.

Maybe he was only being too hopeful and seeing things where that was nothing to be seen, but Jisung liked the idea so much that he allowed himself to believe in it.

He wasn’t sure if he was going to act on it, he was never the one to make the first step into any kind of relationship, but just the thought of it made him happy enough for the moment.

Right now wouldn’t be the best time for doing anything anyways, he was too much of a mess to try to get in a romantic relationship now and he still needed to tell the older what happened.

But maybe once he got himself back together and wasn’t crying in the corners everyday, maybe then he could think about taking another step, a step closer to Minho. 

For now talking to him would have to be enough and that’s why he sighed deeply and yawned loudly to catch the other’s attention.

Minho let go of the toy he had in his hands, making Doongie meow disapprovingly at him, and was quick to get closer to the younger.

“Hey sleepyhead, did you rest enough?”

Jisung nodded. “Yeah I think I did. Sorry for crying myself to sleep in your arms.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for Sungie.” 

“Yes there is, at least to your parents whom I just ditched at the table.” He whined. “I’m so sorry about that.”

“It’s okay Jisung, they understand it.” Minho’s hand was now caressing the younger’s cheek and for a second there Jisung forgot how to breathe.

“I’m still sorry.”

“If you say that one more time I’ll be forced to slap you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

Jisung chuckled.

“That’s better. I like it when you smile Sung.” Minho said. So casually that Jisung had to remind himself what he was about to do instead of allowing himself to ignore it all again.

“I think I’m ready to talk now Minho.”

And after hearing that the older stopped caressing his check and took a seat back on the mattress, opening his arms as an invitation for the younger to snuggle with him and let it all out.

And that’s exactly what he did.


End file.
